Lab Rat

My manager and I were discussing the reasons as to why so many pathetically ignorant people are promoted into management positions in my little vortex of hell, and then we realized that they never seem to leave.  

We actually named off close to 30 managers in my little vortex of hell who should be demoted or fired for ignorance and stupidity alone.  

Ya…that’s right . . . THIRTY! . . . and quite pathetically we probably could have named off more if we hadn’t been so rudely interrupted by a phone call from one of the managers we had previously named.

These so-called “managers” are very much like a nagging cough or stuffy nose that keeps you awake at night . . . Actually . . .that gives the annoying cough or stuffy nose a bad rap.  

I swear my little vortex of hell is cloning or breeding these people in a some secret lab, bringing them into our facility and placing them in management or supervisory roles and then secretly watching how the rest of us react to their stupidity and lack of knowledge.  

It’s like we’re lab rats or something.  

Anyhoo…

Yesterday I had this conversation with one of the aforementioned nagging coughs…

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Computer Manager: “Sooo, what did you find out about my computer order?  Will it be delivered tomorrow?”   

Me:  “I did find out that the order is still in production and hasn’t left the facility yet.  So no, it won’t be delivered tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Soooo…I’m not going to get it tomorrow?”

Me:  “No, but it looks like it might ship over the weekend and we might see it on Monday or Tuesday of next week.” 

Computer Manager:  “But that won’t work.  I need it delivered tomorrow.” 

Me:  “I don’t have any control over the vendor or the delivery company.  All I know is that it won’t be here tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Would you please look again?  I need that shipment tomorrow.”  

Me:  “Sure, I’ll check again, but I’m confident that we’re not getting the delivery tomorrow.” 

Me: (after checking status again)…“It’s still in the production stage, so no change.  We’re not getting that shipment tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager: (in slightly agitated and bewildered tone) “Are you serious?!?!  (sighs heavily) I cannot believe that they haven’t shipped my order yet!!  What’s the hold up on their end?”  

Me:  “Again…I don’t know.  I don’t work for the vendor, but let me contact the sales rep and see if they can shed some light on this.”

Computer Manager:  “Okay.  You do that.  And tell them I NEED that order delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  ” yeeahh…I’ll see what I can find out.”

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— — time passes as I’m waiting for an answer from the vendor — — 

— — Answer finally comes from the vendor — —

Me:  “The vendor sent me an email to let me know that the order is still in production and won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “Seriously!!??!!  I can’t have that!!  Did you tell them I MUST have it delivered tomorrow?”  

Me:  “Yes.  But seeing as the entire order is STILL in production, it can’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “That’s no good.  Give me his number.  I’ll call him myself.”  

Me:  “okay…here’s his number:  ###-###-####”  

— — time passes while I do other stuff that actually matters instead of waiting for her to contact me again — —

— — unfortunately, she contacts me again — —

Computer Manager:  “Okay…the sales rep told me that the order is still in production so it won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  “yep.”  (color me surprised)

Computer Manager:  “what does the status “in production” even mean?  Does that mean it’s on the truck?”  

Me: (completely shocked (even though I shouldn’t have been) that question was even asked)  “Uuuhhhh…..no.”  

Computer Manager:  “Well, I need a tracking number so I know where it is, so if it’s not on a truck how do I know what the status is?”

Me:  “The vendor will provide the tracking number once the order ships, but since it’s still “IN PRODUCTION” and has NOT shipped yet, there won’t be a tracking number.”

Computer Manager:  “The vendor needs to be more specific about the status of my orders.  I can’t tell if it’s being shipped, in production or where it is.  This is so frustrating!” 

Me:  “Yes it is.”  (but I’m talking about her, not the vendor…fortunately for me, she’s too wrapped up in herself to recognize that)

Computer Manager:  “Well, stay on top of this and let me know the status once you have a tracking number.”  

Me:  “okay”

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Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up even if I tried, but this is the stupid and pathetic I have to deal with on a daily basis and it’s frustrating. 

Having to be a lab rat in my little vortex of hell is pathetically exhausting.    

 

One Nation…

On April 1, 2017 the United States of America took drastic measures to fix their illegal immigration problem.  

This morning Donald Trump signed into law the “New World Order Act” that will allow the United States of America to be the first nation in the world to abolish their borders and recognize every human on Earth as a citizen of the United States of America whether they like it or not.  

By overwhelming congressional support the measure passed unanimously in both the House and Senate, with Hawaiian Senator, Mazie Hirono, being the only Senator to abstain because, like much of the world, she was overly consumed with a streaming video of a pregnant giraffe.  

When asked about abstaining on a measure that would likely piss off every country around the world, Senator Hirono said, “I don’t care about borders!  But I do care about expectant mothers, therefore, I believe I speak for all the birthing mothers of the world when I say, ‘April…we know what you’re going through…labor is difficult, but hang in there, girl!'”

The abrupt passing and signing of this measure into law now means that, according to the USA, sovereign countries no longer exist and every nation around the world has now become a single state within the USA.  

This also means that every single person in the world is now subject to the laws of the United States as well as all governmental oversight.  

Education, Healthcare, Welfare, Childcare, Social Security. . .all of which will now be monitored on a global scale out of Washington D.C.  

“Every person in the world will now be monitored by the Departments of Education, HHS, Homeland security, the CIA, FBI and also taxed by the IRS,” said out going White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Katie Walsh.  

While discussing her up coming vacation she also added, “and we feel this measure will provide an avenue for citizens everywhere to freely shop, travel, play, frolic, skip and hula-hoop anywhere around the world without having to worry about customs or carrying those crappy passports.”   

House Democratic minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, had this to say; “Today, the people of the world have a chance to understand what it’s like to be an American citizen. We’re now one. . .big. . .happy. . .family!!” 

However, many leaders around the world didn’t share the same opinions.  

In response to the bill passed by the United States the Russian Foreign Minister, Sergey Lavrov, issued this statement on behalf of his country,

“We, the Russian Federation, feel it necessary to inform the world that because of these measures taken by the United States of America We, the Russian Federation, have decided to abolish our borders and consume every nation as a part of Russian pride.  As of this very second, all the nations of the world, including the USA and all its territories, are hereby a part of the People’s Republic of the Russian Empire.  

Ironically and strangely enough, within minutes of Donald Trump signing the New World Order Act into law countries around the world began to follow suit.  All passing similar measures that removed their borders and declared every person around the world a new citizen of their very own country.  

It should be mentioned, however, that for various reasons Germany, France, Japan and Switzerland have all chosen not to make any decisions on their borders until taking time to discuss the issue in length.  

When asked whether or not he considered these other nations as a threat, POTUS Donald Trump said, “We won’t back down. We will fight and we will win, thank you!

Does my hair look okay?  No…seriously, does my hair look okay?… no?  yes?  thumbs up?  thumbs down? ….anybody? … my hair? . . . does it look good?  … … … looks good?

Okay.  Thank you.”

  

 

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What to Expect on a Day Without Women…From a Man’s Perspective…

For some reason liberal women think the world will stop revolving without them showing up for work for one day…

 

BAWWWHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for that laugh.  I needed that this morning (as he drys the tears of joy from his eyes).

You silly women who bought into the idea that you’re all that and a bag of bovine chips.  You really have no idea how thankful we men are that you didn’t show up for work.

Because a day without women in the work place…

…is the day men get to make decisions without having someone interject their “feelings” about how they don’t agree with the decision that needed to be made. 

…is the day men are able to work in silence.  

…is the day men can talk like men without fear of persecution or harassment.

…is the day we men have more bathrooms to use. 

…is the day men don’t have to listen to some pathetic conversation about a soap opera, the bachelor, a pathetic failed relationship, complaints about how men never listen, stupid telephone conversations and how children won’t behave.

…is the day “bitchy” won’t be used to describe someone.  

…is the day that will go down in history as a day of rejoicing for all men.   

 

It’s pathetic for women to think that they are SOOO important to the work place that not showing up for one day will cause the world to collapse and all men to view them differently. 

 

prideful idiots

The following is my interpretation of the conversation my pathetic co-workers are currently having….

I’m so smart.  If it weren’t for me, the world would cease to exist.

No..no..no…I’m so much smarter than you or anyone else.

NO!  I’m smarter.

Hahaha…well, I have such a high opinion of myself that everyone needs to know it, so let me tell you just how great I am.

Your skills are good, but MY skills and traits are far greater than anyone on this earth can ever obtain.  I’m so special.

Well, I’m perfect.

Look at me!

I said…

Look at me!!

. . . . . . ???

I SAID….

LOOK AT ME!!!!

I’m the best, the smartest and the most knowledgeable about everything.

No one knows more than I do.

I know what’s best for everyone, not because I have experience, but because I’m just so damn smart so let me spout off how smart I am by telling you what I think I know about nothing in particular.

Hahaha…that was SOOOOOO smart, but you know…I know more because my mommy told me I was so knowledgeable and smart…and everyone knows that my mommy is never wrong.  Hell, she even left my daddy because he couldn’t understand how smart she was and his lack of knowledge was unbearable to her.

What an idiot daddy was.

Mommy is so smart.

I love mommy.

Mommy packed my lunch today.  I think I got a surprise.

Maybe it’s pudding!

wouldn’t that be great!?

mmmmm….

I like pudding.

hey! why did you walk away?   . . . . . ???

Where are you going?

….???…..

What?

What do you mean I’m annoying?  . . .

huh?

….

 

I Protest! Therefore, I Am!!

protesting

I wonder if making a sign about not supporting someone’s protest and standing in front of them screaming obscenities and chanting repeatedly that their protest is annoying, would make them stop protesting.   

Either that, or…

maybe I should stand a few feet away from them with a sign that reads, “Honk if you like Beer” to make them think they are supported by all the people driving by who honk after reading my sign.

 

Impress Me

impress2

The other day I happened to read a pathetic post about what men should do if they want to impress a girl they find attractive.  

The post contained things like…“be honest”, “show her you have a skill”, “make her laugh”, “be confident”, “show her that you’re able to protect, but don’t be domineering and possessive about it”…all of which is convenient for the pathetic, lonely guy who still lives in this mother’s basement, but for all the other pathetic men in the world. . .

Not so much!  

The truth is, as I was reading the post, I became more and more agitated because the post made it sound as if men — being the lumps of coal they are — are in no way deserving of a pretty girl to be on his arm unless he can prove he’s worthy.

It reminded me of those old fairy tales where the main character has to validate his existence and substantiate his might for the beautiful princess by trudging his way through a dangerously dark forest, across a vastly arid desert, galumphing up the side of a very steep mountain only to come face-to-face with a pathetically mighty dragon who breathes excruciatingly hot fire.

And as I thought more about it, I felt compelled to ask a few questions. . . .

Why are men expected to do this?  Let alone…why do men feel the need to do this?  

Also, why is it that men should have to impress any woman?  

And in reality, shouldn’t it be the other way around?  Shouldn’t the female gender have to impress the men?

I mean, in all honesty we men would like to know what characteristics or traits a woman can provide to a relationship that would convince us that we should choose her and not someone else?

After all, nowadays we men…(me, personally)…bring a hell of a lot to a relationship, and if you don’t believe me, here’s a list (please note that these are traits and characteristics that I possess, so not all men can provide these same traits because all men are not really created equal):

I know how to cook and bake and follow a recipe.

I bathe every day and try not to smell funny.

I’m clean and organized.

I have proper oral hygiene.

I’m financially responsible, and save money.

I have a good, steady job.

I’m college educated.

I don’t drink alcoholic beverages.

I don’t and never have done illegal drugs.

I don’t lie or cheat.

I don’t gamble.

I don’t have tattoos or piercings.

I have a relationship with Jesus, and He IS my LORD and KING. 

I pray and communicate with Him and God the Father every day. 

I know how to work on automobiles.

I know how to fish and camp. 

I do my best to be respectful and considerate of others around me.

I can plant and tend a garden.

I have never had sex…yes, I’ve fooled around, but never done the actual deed, so I don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases or illegitimate children.

I know how to hang drywall.

I can work on plumbing and electrical.

I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve dated and never will.

I’m a patient person who has the will-power to resist the things I know aren’t beneficial to a healthy, productive life. 

I can rebuild a computer from individual parts to a fully functional operational device.

I have a decent singing voice.

I’m good with kids, I like them and they seem to like me and I’m not afraid to discipline when needed.

I clear the table and wash the dishes by hand or load the dish washer when needed.

I spend time with my family, especially my mom and dad who don’t get out much these days because of a physical illness.

I have compassion for others.

I open doors for women, walk closest to the curb when needed and provide a safe environment for them.

And I try my best to stand up for those who don’t have a voice.

There are many other traits I bring to a relationship, but these are just a few that came to mind.  So … again …I pose the question. . .What makes a woman think she’s good enough that I should choose her?  

Can she provide safety and comfort to our children?  Is she compassionate, kind and loving?  Can she change a flat tire on her own?  Does she mind getting a little dirty? Would she be willing to trudge through a dark, scary forest to save me if I were captured by an evil, fire-breathing dragon?

Truth is, we should never have to try to impress anyone.  We should just be happy that someone wants to spend time with us and that we get to spend time with them.  While doing so, we should get to know them so well that we can finish their sentences and know how to meet there needs before they even ask because that’s what love really is. . .

Spending time with people and learning about them, getting to know them, building trust with them and in them, caring for them, providing for and meeting their needs.    

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It’s pathetic that we try so hard to impress others to get their attention or make them like us.  After all, we’re just human beings who are all in this life together.  

impress

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