Friday Funny Giftures (Bitter Ben Edition)

Our dear bitter friend over at Bitter Ben’s Blog of Bitterness decided not to do his weekly Friday giftures post because from what I read from today’s post, he celebrated his birthday a bit too hard and wasn’t able to combobulate a series of entertaining shorts for all of us bitter minded folk to enjoy.  

So in light of pathetically celebrating the day of his birth a tad bit more than he should have, I’ve decided to give him a birthday present of pathetic quality and create a post with a number of gifs that will hopefully be enjoyed by not only Bitter Ben, but the rest of you as well.

The theme for this post will be “Safety tips and how NOT to celebrate a birthday or any other annual event for that matter in Bitter or Pathetic fashion”. 

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Some of you may wish to celebrate with fireworks, firearms or heavy doses of firepower, but you should always remember to read the safety manuals before using such devices.  If you don’t want to read the safety manual then I suggest you always remember the following three things…

1)  When firing your howitzer, never stand directly in front or directly behind.

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2)  Always remember to run if the mortar you are firing in celebratory fashion doesn’t go as far as you had planned.

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And 3)…

If things get out of hand and a fire ensues, be sure to have plenty of water on hand to extinguish all the flames.

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For some of you the celebratory actions that you take will likely include alcoholic beverages.  If they are consumed heavily during your time of celebration, it’s in your best interest to remember that after consumption of said alcoholic beverages it would be wise NOT to try any of the following:

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1)  Attempting to build or cross any bridges that have been built by any family or friends that may have been drinking with you.

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2)  Attempting to show off for the camera by jumping into a frozen lake or pool.

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3)  Pole dancing.  It’s just not a wise activity to try and perform after you’ve had a couple drinks, and for some people…it’s just not wise to try at all.

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4)  Exercise of any kind is NOT a good idea after you’ve had a few drinks.  Drunk Treadmilling accidents are a leading cause of injury in some study that was performed by a group of highly trained bovines at a leading university for science and exercise… 

Okay…maybe not…but exercise and drinking really don’t go hand-in-hand.

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Along those same lines, a few of you may think that dancing is a great way to celebrate…and you’d be correct; but I don’t recommend dancing on Twinkies. 

First, because it makes a big mess and someone has to clean it up which leads to bitterness and loathing.  And second, Well…it’s just clumsy which also leads to bitterness and loathing.  SELF-loathing, that is. 

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Or you might end up dancing in your undies which…in my opinion…just looks pathetic.

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And Finally, after all is said and done and you’re so hammered that you don’t remember how many fingers you have on your left hand, you’ve shot off all your celebratory fireworks, exercised to the tune of pulled hamstrings and torn clavicles then danced til dawn only to find your life has reached level 100 on the pathetic scale…

I don’t recommend going boogie boarding.  

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in the ocean…

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or even in the safety of your front yard…

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It’s just too dangerous, and come to think of it…

Just stay away from water all together.

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Following these tips won’t guarantee that you’ll be free from looking pathetic, but it just might save you from waking up the next morning with a bitter look on your face as you suddenly recall the bitter memories you’d rather forget.

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Like draining your neighbors pool with a 9 mm. 

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Happy Pathetically Bitter Birthday Ben!

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