Lab Rat

My manager and I were discussing the reasons as to why so many pathetically ignorant people are promoted into management positions in my little vortex of hell, and then we realized that they never seem to leave.  

We actually named off close to 30 managers in my little vortex of hell who should be demoted or fired for ignorance and stupidity alone.  

Ya…that’s right . . . THIRTY! . . . and quite pathetically we probably could have named off more if we hadn’t been so rudely interrupted by a phone call from one of the managers we had previously named.

These so-called “managers” are very much like a nagging cough or stuffy nose that keeps you awake at night . . . Actually . . .that gives the annoying cough or stuffy nose a bad rap.  

I swear my little vortex of hell is cloning or breeding these people in a some secret lab, bringing them into our facility and placing them in management or supervisory roles and then secretly watching how the rest of us react to their stupidity and lack of knowledge.  

It’s like we’re lab rats or something.  

Anyhoo…

Yesterday I had this conversation with one of the aforementioned nagging coughs…

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Computer Manager: “Sooo, what did you find out about my computer order?  Will it be delivered tomorrow?”   

Me:  “I did find out that the order is still in production and hasn’t left the facility yet.  So no, it won’t be delivered tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Soooo…I’m not going to get it tomorrow?”

Me:  “No, but it looks like it might ship over the weekend and we might see it on Monday or Tuesday of next week.” 

Computer Manager:  “But that won’t work.  I need it delivered tomorrow.” 

Me:  “I don’t have any control over the vendor or the delivery company.  All I know is that it won’t be here tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Would you please look again?  I need that shipment tomorrow.”  

Me:  “Sure, I’ll check again, but I’m confident that we’re not getting the delivery tomorrow.” 

Me: (after checking status again)…“It’s still in the production stage, so no change.  We’re not getting that shipment tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager: (in slightly agitated and bewildered tone) “Are you serious?!?!  (sighs heavily) I cannot believe that they haven’t shipped my order yet!!  What’s the hold up on their end?”  

Me:  “Again…I don’t know.  I don’t work for the vendor, but let me contact the sales rep and see if they can shed some light on this.”

Computer Manager:  “Okay.  You do that.  And tell them I NEED that order delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  ” yeeahh…I’ll see what I can find out.”

– 

— — time passes as I’m waiting for an answer from the vendor — — 

— — Answer finally comes from the vendor — —

Me:  “The vendor sent me an email to let me know that the order is still in production and won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “Seriously!!??!!  I can’t have that!!  Did you tell them I MUST have it delivered tomorrow?”  

Me:  “Yes.  But seeing as the entire order is STILL in production, it can’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “That’s no good.  Give me his number.  I’ll call him myself.”  

Me:  “okay…here’s his number:  ###-###-####”  

— — time passes while I do other stuff that actually matters instead of waiting for her to contact me again — —

— — unfortunately, she contacts me again — —

Computer Manager:  “Okay…the sales rep told me that the order is still in production so it won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  “yep.”  (color me surprised)

Computer Manager:  “what does the status “in production” even mean?  Does that mean it’s on the truck?”  

Me: (completely shocked (even though I shouldn’t have been) that question was even asked)  “Uuuhhhh…..no.”  

Computer Manager:  “Well, I need a tracking number so I know where it is, so if it’s not on a truck how do I know what the status is?”

Me:  “The vendor will provide the tracking number once the order ships, but since it’s still “IN PRODUCTION” and has NOT shipped yet, there won’t be a tracking number.”

Computer Manager:  “The vendor needs to be more specific about the status of my orders.  I can’t tell if it’s being shipped, in production or where it is.  This is so frustrating!” 

Me:  “Yes it is.”  (but I’m talking about her, not the vendor…fortunately for me, she’s too wrapped up in herself to recognize that)

Computer Manager:  “Well, stay on top of this and let me know the status once you have a tracking number.”  

Me:  “okay”

++++++++++++++

Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up even if I tried, but this is the stupid and pathetic I have to deal with on a daily basis and it’s frustrating. 

Having to be a lab rat in my little vortex of hell is pathetically exhausting.    

 

One Nation…

On April 1, 2017 the United States of America took drastic measures to fix their illegal immigration problem.  

This morning Donald Trump signed into law the “New World Order Act” that will allow the United States of America to be the first nation in the world to abolish their borders and recognize every human on Earth as a citizen of the United States of America whether they like it or not.  

By overwhelming congressional support the measure passed unanimously in both the House and Senate, with Hawaiian Senator, Mazie Hirono, being the only Senator to abstain because, like much of the world, she was overly consumed with a streaming video of a pregnant giraffe.  

When asked about abstaining on a measure that would likely piss off every country around the world, Senator Hirono said, “I don’t care about borders!  But I do care about expectant mothers, therefore, I believe I speak for all the birthing mothers of the world when I say, ‘April…we know what you’re going through…labor is difficult, but hang in there, girl!'”

The abrupt passing and signing of this measure into law now means that, according to the USA, sovereign countries no longer exist and every nation around the world has now become a single state within the USA.  

This also means that every single person in the world is now subject to the laws of the United States as well as all governmental oversight.  

Education, Healthcare, Welfare, Childcare, Social Security. . .all of which will now be monitored on a global scale out of Washington D.C.  

“Every person in the world will now be monitored by the Departments of Education, HHS, Homeland security, the CIA, FBI and also taxed by the IRS,” said out going White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Katie Walsh.  

While discussing her up coming vacation she also added, “and we feel this measure will provide an avenue for citizens everywhere to freely shop, travel, play, frolic, skip and hula-hoop anywhere around the world without having to worry about customs or carrying those crappy passports.”   

House Democratic minority leader, Nancy Pelosi, had this to say; “Today, the people of the world have a chance to understand what it’s like to be an American citizen. We’re now one. . .big. . .happy. . .family!!” 

However, many leaders around the world didn’t share the same opinions.  

In response to the bill passed by the United States the Russian Foreign Minister, Sergey Lavrov, issued this statement on behalf of his country,

“We, the Russian Federation, feel it necessary to inform the world that because of these measures taken by the United States of America We, the Russian Federation, have decided to abolish our borders and consume every nation as a part of Russian pride.  As of this very second, all the nations of the world, including the USA and all its territories, are hereby a part of the People’s Republic of the Russian Empire.  

Ironically and strangely enough, within minutes of Donald Trump signing the New World Order Act into law countries around the world began to follow suit.  All passing similar measures that removed their borders and declared every person around the world a new citizen of their very own country.  

It should be mentioned, however, that for various reasons Germany, France, Japan and Switzerland have all chosen not to make any decisions on their borders until taking time to discuss the issue in length.  

When asked whether or not he considered these other nations as a threat, POTUS Donald Trump said, “We won’t back down. We will fight and we will win, thank you!

Does my hair look okay?  No…seriously, does my hair look okay?… no?  yes?  thumbs up?  thumbs down? ….anybody? … my hair? . . . does it look good?  … … … looks good?

Okay.  Thank you.”

  

 

  –

 

What to Expect on a Day Without Women…From a Man’s Perspective…

For some reason liberal women think the world will stop revolving without them showing up for work for one day…

 

BAWWWHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for that laugh.  I needed that this morning (as he drys the tears of joy from his eyes).

You silly women who bought into the idea that you’re all that and a bag of bovine chips.  You really have no idea how thankful we men are that you didn’t show up for work.

Because a day without women in the work place…

…is the day men get to make decisions without having someone interject their “feelings” about how they don’t agree with the decision that needed to be made. 

…is the day men are able to work in silence.  

…is the day men can talk like men without fear of persecution or harassment.

…is the day we men have more bathrooms to use. 

…is the day men don’t have to listen to some pathetic conversation about a soap opera, the bachelor, a pathetic failed relationship, complaints about how men never listen, stupid telephone conversations and how children won’t behave.

…is the day “bitchy” won’t be used to describe someone.  

…is the day that will go down in history as a day of rejoicing for all men.   

 

It’s pathetic for women to think that they are SOOO important to the work place that not showing up for one day will cause the world to collapse and all men to view them differently. 

 

Dunderheads

A conversation took place yesterday in an office across from my desk where one of the participants stated:  

“I’m going to have to take a week’s vacation so I can cool down enough not to come across the table at those who are making the decisions in this place.”

Okay….

it wasn’t that funny…

But I found it comical considering that our office is currently filled with dunderheads in management who couldn’t manage their way out of a corn maze cut in a straight line.

One such management decision was to consolidate all the information technology teams into one big team that would eventually save money; however, no one thought about putting together a cost allocation of how much money would actually be spent or saved if the consolidation went forward.

Now, just to be clear for those of you not in the know, cost allocation is the process of identifying, aggregating, and assigning costs to cost objects.  A cost object is any activity or item for which you want to separately measure costs.  Examples of cost objects are a product, a research project, a customer, a sales region, and a department.

Based on that definition of cost allocation, the upper dunderheads of our company should have assigned a cost to the people, the equipment and the man hours it would take for human resources to reassign locations, roles and job titles for each and every employee.  

Also included in that cost allocation should have been a set time frame for how many days, weeks, months or years it would take for all the listed resources to be moved and consolidated; along with a dollar amount associated per work hour to train the employees and to update, rename and/or reassign the equipment that is being transferred between agencies or divisions.

But, to my knowledge, none of that was ever completed.  Instead, the dunderheads that be, made the decision to move forward with the consolidation and then had the nerve to tell people that they were saving money.

Quizzically, the most prestigious dunderhead has even tried to paint a pretty picture for the general public by stating to the press that this consolidation is going to save five million dollars over the next five years.  

Thaaaaaat seems like a large dollar figure, but in light of the fact that our single agency alone spends over five million in less than three months, five million dollars in five years is like standing in front of a thousand acre corn field, grabbing an ear off a stalk, raising it above your head and declaring you saved one ear and thus ended hunger for all mankind.

. . . again . . . maaaybe not as funny as I thought…

Okay…so there have been other decisions as well that many of the dunderheads have made which contribute to the scratching of heads around here, such as…

  • Changing the title of a team without telling the specific team members the title changed.  
  • Changing accounting numbers for billing purposes, but not telling those who use the accounting numbers that they changed.
  • Putting a hold on all travel and training, but then finding out in the monthly corporate letter that the upper dunderheads traveled to training seminars in July, August, September, October, November and December.  — Ooo…and they posted pictures for all of us little people to see.  
  • Being told in a mass email that there is a hold on all non-essential purchases, and then receiving a request (I work in purchasing) to buy a television for one of the upper dunderheads because they personally don’t want to use a conference room.  

And those are just off the top of my head.

The decisions that have been made in the past year along with the actions of the upper dunderheads have caused me to question whether they have any idea how pathetic they are viewed by the rest of us who work here.  

It’s disappointing that no one has the courage to stand up to these people and to hold them accountable.

Maybe my co-worker who needs a vacation will muster the courage to stand up to them? 

Yeah…no.

It’s pathetic that I don’t see that happening.

 

 

What if your company was run like a pro sports team?

injured-reserve

What if every company was run like a pro sports team?

where every employee had to sign a contract for a specific salary and duration of time…

where supervisors filmed the day’s work of every employee and then spent every evening reviewing that film with a fine-tooth comb…

where employees were graded on performance and quality of work every day…

where practice sessions would consist of position meetings and going over film of the previous day’s work…

where in those film sessions every employee’s mistake was talked about and reviewed over and over again…

where management would cut or trade an employee to save money or get better talent…

where every year a draft would take place to bring in new, younger employees…

where an employee could opt out of a contract and try their luck in free agency…

where supervisors were fired for low numbers or bad performance…

where every move you made or every word spoken was scrutinized by the general public and the media…

where going on injured reserve gives an employee time away from actually doing work until they’re fully recovered…

where when someone in on the disabled list a back-up employee steps in to complete the work while you’re recovering…

I really do wonder what the workplace would look like if every company ran their business like a pro sports team…

work_hint

 

 

Obsessed With Sex-u-al-i-tee

Udders

What is wrong with you sick people that you feel the need to know so many details about every person’s life?  Especially the whole issue of a person’s sexual preference?

I’ll tell you why…

Because YOU are obsessed with sex!

Oh. . .and on the topic of sexual preference. . . if a person is born with a certain sexual preference, why the hell can’t you tell just by looking at them?  Shouldn’t you know without having to ask???  Why exactly do you even question it?  

Oh, wait!  That’s right!  It’s similar to all of you who were born a dumbass.  

No one can tell you’re a dumbass just by looking at you, instead people have to ask you if you’re a dumbass.  

Typically, you all try to cover it up, but eventually the truth is revealed as soon as you open your mouth.  

Soooo, going back to my initial question…why is it so important for you to know which way someone swings their ding-a-ling?  

Does knowing that someone is a pervert make you feel more human?  Does it make you feel more adequate that you’re not the only pervert in town?  

With the way society has become so sexually obsessed I’m not surprised that companies don’t require sexual preference on a résumé. 

Work History…

Skills…

Education…

Sexual Preference!  — Ah!!  The perfect candidate!

You cattle need to get over the sexual obsession already.  After all, it’s just a means of creating humans. 

But leave it to humans to make it into something perverted, addictive and disgusting! 

Bravo humanity.  

Brav-o!  (insert slow, pathetic golf clap here)

Disappointed4

Pathetic cattle disgust me.