Happy International “I’m going to pout and scream and cry and yell if you don’t shower me with the attention I THINK I deserve” day.

This is a pathetic holiday

 

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I Am the Official “Rebound Guy”

Between the ages of 20 and 40 years old I’ve watched 14 different women, whom I’ve dated, march down the aisle on the arm of another man within three years after we broke up or stopped dating.

I’m not kidding.

Within a 20 year period . . . Dated fourteen different women . . . All of them got married within three years after we stopped seeing one another.  

Pathetically, I can still name them:  Kelly, Elizabeth, Kristen #1, Amy, Yvette, Beth, Angie, Diane, Sara, Kristin #2, Christi, Karen, Stacey and Sandra.

(I told you it was pathetic.)

And here’s the reason I consider myself the official “Rebound Guy”:  Every single one of those women broke up with a previous long-term relationship just before they started dating me.

I call that…

  

Okay.  Not really. 

I actually call it pathetic and the reason I quit dating altogether.  (six years and counting since my last official date!)  

Friday Funny (Valentine’s Day Edition)

I love me

Soooo…I’ve read a few blog posts that have given tips on how to enjoy valentine’s day with or without your significant other, but none of them were as pathetic as I would like them to be. 

Sorry…just far too serious and not worth repeating. 

Anyway, I came up with a few pathetic ideas of my own for those of you looking to spice up your valentine’s day with or without your significant other.  They aren’t meant to be taken seriously, but if you decided to try one or more of them, let me know how it turns out!

– Enjoy! –

– 

1)  Go to a restaurant that you know will be full and ask a few couples waiting for a table if they wouldn’t mind sharing a large table with you so you can be seated sooner.  After a number of them agree, go up to the host/hostess and tell them you have a large party and will need a very large table, but put it under one of the names of the other people waiting, then excuse yourself from the restaurant to take a phone call…and when you get outside, just leave.  

2)  Take your date to a restaurant with a bar.  Have your date sit at one end of the bar while you sit at the other and try to have a conversation with them.  Since you’re more than likely going to be yelling, make sure to shush the other people sitting at the bar because you can’t hear what your date is saying over their talking.  

3)  Go to a restaurant alone, but pretend you have an imaginary date with you.  When the host/hostess asks how many, confidently tell them a party of two!  When the waiter/waitress comes to take your order, make sure you order two of everything and force them to serve the imaginary friend sitting in the empty chair.  At some point in the meal pretend that you were proposed to or take a moment to get on one knee and propose to your imaginary date.  

4)  Walk into a flower shop and profess your undying love for everything green.  Then walk around the store saying “I love you” to all the flowers.

5)  Walk into a really busy restaurant and take out a can of Lysol spray and start disinfecting the waiting area.  

6)  (for the ladies) Call or text your husband/boyfriend and tell them you are going to make them a really delicious dinner that night.  Ask them to stop at the store on the way home and pick up a few things…but make the list be nothing but feminine hygiene products.  If the guy buys everything you ask for, then you know he really loves you.  

7)  If this is a first date with someone you don’t really know, tell them stories about your service in World War II and make sure you include the far-fetched tail of how you single-handedly defeated a battalion of heavily armed Nazi soldiers with only a pair of nylon stockings and a number two pencil.   

8)  When your date gives you a gift you don’t like or appreciate, start crying.  As they try to console you, set the gift down and run out of the room while saying the name of someone you don’t know.  It’ll make them think the gift reminds you of someone else and they’ll take it back. 

9)  After opening a gift that contains something sexy give a heavy sigh, look at them sternly and say in a condescending tone…“I really wanted a set of bag pipes!  Why don’t you ever listen?!” 

10)  Finally…walk into a lingerie store with your significant other and start asking him which of the “whores” who work there sold him the dirty underwear he gave you for valentine’s day.   

So, yeah…those are my tips for you to have an entertaining and spiced up valentine’s day. 

Have a pathetic weekend. 

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