this morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m not happy, but that’s nothing new…I haven’t been happy for years.
I am the most cynical, most condescending, most pathetic person you will ever meet.
I have claimed to be a Christian for the past 40 years, and up until three years ago, that was true. Now…not so much.
I still believe in Jesus. I know He exists. I believe in God the Father, and I know that He raised Jesus from the dead, but what I have a difficult time believing is that God wants to bless me.
Here’s the story…
I was raised with the understanding that God answers prayers…however, as I’ve studied the subject, I’ve come to find that He only answers prayer as long as your prayers meet certain criteria.
1) You have to pray in Jesus name. (there’s more to that but I don’t have time to write it all right now. But just know that it’s more than just saying “Jesus” in your prayers.)
2) You have to believe and not have ANY doubts that the thing you pray will be given to you.
3) You have to ask with the right motives.
4) You have to wait patiently.
none of my prayers get answered so I guess I’m missing something.
Either I don’t pray with the right motives or I don’t pray in the “name” of Jesus or I don’t wait long enough or I doubt that I’ll ever get an answer to my prayers.
Truth is, I don’t know the answer…but I’m sick and tired of asking for things and never getting an answer.
For the past 23 years I’ve asked for a number of things. I’ve asked for material items, I’ve asked for hope, faith, trust, perseverance, friends, health and protection. I’ve asked for guidance and wisdom, life and death, sickness and health. I’ve asked for a family of my own, a loving wife, kids and for the healing of others. I’ve asked for a new car, for friends to have prayers answered and for other people who I don’t know to be cared for and lifted up. And through it all, I have no idea why my prayers go unanswered.
I have enjoyed praying for others. I enjoy it, because I know that praying for others leads to their happiness and building up of faith, and through it all I’ve seen people be blessed by God, but truth be told…I don’t believe it was because of my prayers. More so because of a collective of prayers offered by many who were praying for them.
But that was years ago.
Fast forward to today…
My prayers are ignored.
I didn’t want to be back in this crap hole of a business, I didn’t want to be here at all.
I hate this place because the bureaucracy is pathetic, the paper trails are pathetic, the amount of people who have to sign off on something just to get started on something is pathetic.
I also hate this city I live in.
It’s what I call the vortex of hell. I call it that because this city has a way of sucking you in and keeping you here FOREVER! If you are one of the lucky few who happen to get out, it’s because this city threw you out, not because you chose to leave on your own.
Every morning for the past ten years I have awoke and uttered the same prayer… “Lord, please let me die. I hate this life. I hate my job and I hate this city. I am NOT happy. If you want me to be happy, lead me out of here, or answer my request. Take me home.” and for the past ten years that prayer has gone unanswered.
And here I am.
There is no hope because I lost it all. I have no faith because every time I ask for help, it never comes.
I am alone.
I have no friends because no one understands my plight. My family could care less and whenever I try to talk with them about it, I get the same pathetic reply…”just trust God.” (btw…I said that in a condescending tone).
But I’m finding it difficult to do that…
I have no confidence to ask anyone for help. I’m tired people!!!