Here’s an oldie but a goody! Hope it makes your belly jiggle like a bowl full of jelly! LOL!
Originally I published this on Dec 22, 2014… Merry Christmas!
George Bernard Shaw once said: “If the other planets are inhabited, then they are using the earth as their insane asylum,” and I’m quite certain that he said that while grocery shopping during the holidays.
This evening I made the mistake of stopping at the grocery store after my long and boring day at work.
Ironically, I used the word “mistake“.
Even more ironically, that I would lead you to assume I had a choice in the matter.
It’s amazing the power of one individual who can purposely call you late in the day and ask in a sweet, gentle, loving voice, “Honey. We really need some things at the grocery store, and since we forgot to pick them up yesterday. Would you mind stopping there on your way home from work?”
I’d like to take a minute and point out some key words used in the statement above.
First, The word “honey”.
It’s a word used by the non-masculine gender to elicit a softening of the heart and mood of those who possess the XY chromosome. It’s commonly used in place of “sweetie”, “darling”, “sweetheart” and “stud muffin”; all of which can be used interchangeably and will create a warming sensation in the chest and mind of those who possess the XY chromosome.
Most of those non-masculine types who use this word will do it out of sheer selfishness to gain an advantage and render powerless those in the XY chromosome category who think they actually have any authority. Making it impossible to say “no“.
Next, I’d like to point out the pronoun “WE“ which is used directly after the term “honey”. This is only used to help those with the XY chromosome to understand that they are as much, or more so, responsible for the problem that is about to be conveyed, and IF they would have done their job correctly in the past, “WE“ wouldn’t be in the mess “we’re” in now.
And finally, the question that is proposed is not a question. It’s a command that is given with only ONE correct response. Any other response will bring about certain discomforts to those who possess the XY chromosome.
So, after slowly driving through more traffic than there should have been (I have no idea where it came from because EVERYONE left work early today except me), I made it to the parking lot of the grocery store and drove around looking for a place to park.
There were no places to park.
When I eventually found a place to park and made the long walk to the front of the store, I entered into a world of sheer imagination…and dread…and hopelessness…and fear.
Instead of grocery carts and baskets, there was a line of people which had me puzzled, so I asked the man standing at the back of the line what they were waiting for and in a blunt, exasperated tone he stated, “shopping cart!“
Therefore, like the rest of the cattle, I took my place in line waiting for a grocery cart…but then I came to my senses and realized that these people were all nuts; so I went out to the parking lot and waited for a nice elderly couple to finish using theirs.
After thanking the sweet couple and wishing them a very Merry Christmas, I proceeded back into the store with my newly acquired prize. … A Shopping Cart!
However, as soon as I reached the front doors, I was verbally assaulted by a very large woman who didn’t take kindly to my “stealing” a cart from someone in the parking lot, as well as not waiting my turn like everyone else. (..sigh..) Like it was my problem these people are as dumb as a herd of cattle waiting to be fed.
Anyway…she proceeded to taunt and berate me in front of the other twenty in the herd…and before I knew it, they all started in on how I was “stealing” because I hadn’t waited my turn by standing in line while a punk kid pushing carts was out having a smoke while waiting in the parking lot for other cattle to repossess their carts.
Nonetheless, as they all continued to complain about their lack of ingenuity and ability to take the lead, I took advantage of the situation and directed their argument towards one another by accusing one of the customers of cutting in line, and while they started arguing among themselves…I ignored them and walked into the store…
… with my shopping cart.
I very much wish that was the end of my grocery store fiasco, but it wasn’t. The aisles were packed with cattle trying to locate their desired wares. Some of them were just standing there looking at the ceiling.
I’m not joking…there were two guys and one very old lady just standing there looking at the ceiling. I think they were security or maybe they heard voices…but each time I walked by them (passed one guy three times) I looked up to see what they were staring at…I should’ve asked because I never saw it.
It took 30 minutes to find a place to park. 30 minutes to snag a grocery cart. 1 hour and 30 minutes to acquire and pay for all the groceries I needed (wife kept texting me with more items) and 25 minutes to get out of the parking lot.
Nearly three hours later…I’m home. Groceries are delivered. Wife is hap….
…spoke too soon…
I forgot the butter. //hangs head\\
Grocery stores around the holidays are pathetic.