Lab Rat

My manager and I were discussing the reasons as to why so many pathetically ignorant people are promoted into management positions in my little vortex of hell, and then we realized that they never seem to leave.  

We actually named off close to 30 managers in my little vortex of hell who should be demoted or fired for ignorance and stupidity alone.  

Ya…that’s right . . . THIRTY! . . . and quite pathetically we probably could have named off more if we hadn’t been so rudely interrupted by a phone call from one of the managers we had previously named.

These so-called “managers” are very much like a nagging cough or stuffy nose that keeps you awake at night . . . Actually . . .that gives the annoying cough or stuffy nose a bad rap.  

I swear my little vortex of hell is cloning or breeding these people in a some secret lab, bringing them into our facility and placing them in management or supervisory roles and then secretly watching how the rest of us react to their stupidity and lack of knowledge.  

It’s like we’re lab rats or something.  

Anyhoo…

Yesterday I had this conversation with one of the aforementioned nagging coughs…

++++++++++++

Computer Manager: “Sooo, what did you find out about my computer order?  Will it be delivered tomorrow?”   

Me:  “I did find out that the order is still in production and hasn’t left the facility yet.  So no, it won’t be delivered tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Soooo…I’m not going to get it tomorrow?”

Me:  “No, but it looks like it might ship over the weekend and we might see it on Monday or Tuesday of next week.” 

Computer Manager:  “But that won’t work.  I need it delivered tomorrow.” 

Me:  “I don’t have any control over the vendor or the delivery company.  All I know is that it won’t be here tomorrow.” 

Computer Manager:  “Would you please look again?  I need that shipment tomorrow.”  

Me:  “Sure, I’ll check again, but I’m confident that we’re not getting the delivery tomorrow.” 

Me: (after checking status again)…“It’s still in the production stage, so no change.  We’re not getting that shipment tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager: (in slightly agitated and bewildered tone) “Are you serious?!?!  (sighs heavily) I cannot believe that they haven’t shipped my order yet!!  What’s the hold up on their end?”  

Me:  “Again…I don’t know.  I don’t work for the vendor, but let me contact the sales rep and see if they can shed some light on this.”

Computer Manager:  “Okay.  You do that.  And tell them I NEED that order delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  ” yeeahh…I’ll see what I can find out.”

– 

— — time passes as I’m waiting for an answer from the vendor — — 

— — Answer finally comes from the vendor — —

Me:  “The vendor sent me an email to let me know that the order is still in production and won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “Seriously!!??!!  I can’t have that!!  Did you tell them I MUST have it delivered tomorrow?”  

Me:  “Yes.  But seeing as the entire order is STILL in production, it can’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Computer Manager:  “That’s no good.  Give me his number.  I’ll call him myself.”  

Me:  “okay…here’s his number:  ###-###-####”  

— — time passes while I do other stuff that actually matters instead of waiting for her to contact me again — —

— — unfortunately, she contacts me again — —

Computer Manager:  “Okay…the sales rep told me that the order is still in production so it won’t be delivered tomorrow.”  

Me:  “yep.”  (color me surprised)

Computer Manager:  “what does the status “in production” even mean?  Does that mean it’s on the truck?”  

Me: (completely shocked (even though I shouldn’t have been) that question was even asked)  “Uuuhhhh…..no.”  

Computer Manager:  “Well, I need a tracking number so I know where it is, so if it’s not on a truck how do I know what the status is?”

Me:  “The vendor will provide the tracking number once the order ships, but since it’s still “IN PRODUCTION” and has NOT shipped yet, there won’t be a tracking number.”

Computer Manager:  “The vendor needs to be more specific about the status of my orders.  I can’t tell if it’s being shipped, in production or where it is.  This is so frustrating!” 

Me:  “Yes it is.”  (but I’m talking about her, not the vendor…fortunately for me, she’s too wrapped up in herself to recognize that)

Computer Manager:  “Well, stay on top of this and let me know the status once you have a tracking number.”  

Me:  “okay”

++++++++++++++

Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up even if I tried, but this is the stupid and pathetic I have to deal with on a daily basis and it’s frustrating. 

Having to be a lab rat in my little vortex of hell is pathetically exhausting.    

 

I’m cursed

 

The place I work sucks!

It really does.

I don’t like the atmosphere or the people.

The conversations are horribly redundant.

I don’t look forward to going into work because I know what I’m about to deal with for the day.

I dread every single morning and even some evenings before I go to bed, mainly because I know that morning is coming.

While driving to work I have to force myself to actually turn into the parking lot and not keep driving until I hit the mountains or the ocean.

My manager isn’t that great and normally wants to talk about some stupid board game he’s into.  A topic I care nothing about.

The upper management has no clue on how to operate a business and is financially irresponsible.

One of my co-workers is lazy and spends most of his time on Facebook or some other social media site that has nothing to do with his job.

He loves hearing the sound of his own voice which means that I normally have to listen to his stupid stories about his grand kid or his son or his daughter or some other idiotic story that I care nothing about.

We have to share the office with another team that loves to discuss stupid topics and most of the time we have to listen to one guy complain about software, hardware, politics, his medical problems or just some random issue that got him riled up that day.

The whole office is a petri dish of gossip, slander and down-right horrible stupidity.

The only saving grace is that I get a half day on Friday’s.

The only reason I’m stuck here is because no one else will hire me.

 

 

 

What if your company was run like a pro sports team?

injured-reserve

What if every company was run like a pro sports team?

where every employee had to sign a contract for a specific salary and duration of time…

where supervisors filmed the day’s work of every employee and then spent every evening reviewing that film with a fine-tooth comb…

where employees were graded on performance and quality of work every day…

where practice sessions would consist of position meetings and going over film of the previous day’s work…

where in those film sessions every employee’s mistake was talked about and reviewed over and over again…

where management would cut or trade an employee to save money or get better talent…

where every year a draft would take place to bring in new, younger employees…

where an employee could opt out of a contract and try their luck in free agency…

where supervisors were fired for low numbers or bad performance…

where every move you made or every word spoken was scrutinized by the general public and the media…

where going on injured reserve gives an employee time away from actually doing work until they’re fully recovered…

where when someone in on the disabled list a back-up employee steps in to complete the work while you’re recovering…

I really do wonder what the workplace would look like if every company ran their business like a pro sports team…

work_hint

 

 

prideful idiots

The following is my interpretation of the conversation my pathetic co-workers are currently having….

I’m so smart.  If it weren’t for me, the world would cease to exist.

No..no..no…I’m so much smarter than you or anyone else.

NO!  I’m smarter.

Hahaha…well, I have such a high opinion of myself that everyone needs to know it, so let me tell you just how great I am.

Your skills are good, but MY skills and traits are far greater than anyone on this earth can ever obtain.  I’m so special.

Well, I’m perfect.

Look at me!

I said…

Look at me!!

. . . . . . ???

I SAID….

LOOK AT ME!!!!

I’m the best, the smartest and the most knowledgeable about everything.

No one knows more than I do.

I know what’s best for everyone, not because I have experience, but because I’m just so damn smart so let me spout off how smart I am by telling you what I think I know about nothing in particular.

Hahaha…that was SOOOOOO smart, but you know…I know more because my mommy told me I was so knowledgeable and smart…and everyone knows that my mommy is never wrong.  Hell, she even left my daddy because he couldn’t understand how smart she was and his lack of knowledge was unbearable to her.

What an idiot daddy was.

Mommy is so smart.

I love mommy.

Mommy packed my lunch today.  I think I got a surprise.

Maybe it’s pudding!

wouldn’t that be great!?

mmmmm….

I like pudding.

hey! why did you walk away?   . . . . . ???

Where are you going?

….???…..

What?

What do you mean I’m annoying?  . . .

huh?

….

 

Plastic Spoon Guy…

eating_chips

Who eats potato chips for breakfast?   

come on!!??   

who?  

I’ll tell you who…

Plastic Spoons Guy….that’s who!   

And it’s loud.  

crunch….

by..

crunch….

by..

crunch….

If you want to know what it sounds like…turn up your speakers and press play:

 

Mountains Out of Molehills

gossip_1

Work has become a bit more stressful for some in my little basement of doom and gloom because the powers (that be dumber than a monkey with its hand stuck in a jar) have decided that all employees need to fill out a “survey” that will be used to compile data which should reveal how much time said employees actually work in our office.  

On the surface it appears very innocent, but everyone in my office (sans the writer of this blog) is all in a panic because they are doing what typical worrywarts do…making mountains out of molehills.  

The scuttlebutt going around the office is that upper mis-management is having employees complete the survey so they can decide who will win the coveted “Pink Slip of Rejection” but that’s a pathetic piece of gossip that has everyone in the office running around chanting the proverbial Chicken Little mantra.  

However, if sounder minds would actually prevail, my co-workers would understand that a company does this every now and then for a lot of different reasons.  It could be for budgetary reasons, auditing reasons, change of management reasons or even a manager has a wild hair up the you-know-what reason.  However, the cattle in this pathetic wonderful world of worry don’t (or should I say, won’t) stop creating undo stress and strain regarding this whole mess.  

Pathetic as it may seem, it’s actually been blown out of proportion by some managers who have created dread in their teams by insisting that upper managers want to fire the whole lot of us.  

Oddly, many of these same bottom-dweller managers are having numerous meetings with their “teams” regarding this survey, and have spent countless hours trying to decide how best to answer each individual category.  

Specifically, one “team” has met for a little over five hours hoping to alleviate the panic attacks created by the pathetic rumor-swilling managers around our office.  

Personally, I’ve always believed that if you’re not doing your job, then you have something to worry about; so maybe that’s why all these Chicken Little’s have their panties all in a bunch because…and quite pathetically…they don’t seem to comprehend that spending so much time trying to figure out how to complete a survey is actually keeping them from doing the very work they should be focusing on and this may very well bite them in the proverbial “wazoo”.  

It’s really pathetic how neither the managers nor the employees can figure that out, and I think it says a lot about how negative the leadership is in our office. 

Ironically, I took the survey and it took all of fifteen minutes which left me plenty of time to write this blog post while all the other “teams” were having another meeting to discuss how to fill it out.   

 After all…it was just a pathetic survey.     

Blowing things out of proportion or making mountains out of molehills is quite pathetic.  

skyfalling1

Noises in the Office – Plastic Spoon Guy

coworkers3

There’s a guy who sits on the other side of my cubicle wall that eats… 

He eats crunchy stuff.  

He eats munchy stuff. 

He eats crispy stuff.  

He eats stuff from a paper bag that must be rattled. 

He eats stuff from plastic bag that must be crumpled. 

He eats stuff that MUST make noise.  If it doesn’t make noise, he doesn’t eat it. 

The other day he was eating something that made me think he was eating plastic spoons.  

Anyway . . . after a few minutes of having to listen to the clickity-clickity-clickity of whatever he was using to destroy his teeth, I finally walked over to see what he was eating and to my surprise (and actual relief), I found out that he was eating sunflower seeds.

However, I must point out that he was not eating them like a normal person who grabs a handful, tosses them into their mouth, let’s them soak for awhile and then breaks them one by one rather silently.   Oh No!! . . . he was eating them one by one and made it a point to break them apart with his front teeth individually.  In doing so, it was amplified to the point that I thought he was actually eating plastic spoons. 

Therefore and from here on, I have aptly named him, “Plastic Spoon Guy”.

What makes matters more pathetic is that I even made mention of the fact that I was concerned that he was eating plastic spoons because it sounded like he was eating plastic spoons, but that didn’t stop him from eating the sunflower seeds, which still sound like he’s eating plastic spoons.    

I don’t think he knows how annoying it is when he eats something at his desk.   I guess I should have been more clear.

By the way, this morning it was a bag of popcorn and it sounded like he was eating rocks.  

Personally and in my pathetic opinion, I think this guy could make eating a banana sound like a jackhammer crushing pavement.  

People who make a lot of noise while eating are pathetic.

eating_chips