I Am the Official “Rebound Guy”

Between the ages of 20 and 40 years old I’ve watched 14 different women, whom I’ve dated, march down the aisle on the arm of another man within three years after we broke up or stopped dating.

I’m not kidding.

Within a 20 year period . . . Dated fourteen different women . . . All of them got married within three years after we stopped seeing one another.  

Pathetically, I can still name them:  Kelly, Elizabeth, Kristen #1, Amy, Yvette, Beth, Angie, Diane, Sara, Kristin #2, Christi, Karen, Stacey and Sandra.

(I told you it was pathetic.)

And here’s the reason I consider myself the official “Rebound Guy”:  Every single one of those women broke up with a previous long-term relationship just before they started dating me.

I call that…

  

Okay.  Not really. 

I actually call it pathetic and the reason I quit dating altogether.  (six years and counting since my last official date!)  

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Wisdom from a very wise woman…

“Every woman knows exactly what she’s doing and why.  If she says she “didn’t know” or had “no idea what she was doing”…she’s lying.”

Now, before the entire feminine persuasion gets riled up over that quote…I must inform you that those words were spoken by a very wise, very gentle, very sweet woman…

My mother.

Those words were uttered one warm and sultry summer day after my dad came home and informed my mom that a neighbor woman was washing her car in a swimsuit and half of her swimsuit was up the crack of her butt.  

As I remember it, the conversation went something like this…

“You can see her entire butt cheek!” my dad exclaimed.  “How does she not know?”

To which my mother (with a look of disbelief on her face) replied“When your underwear is riding up, can YOU feel it?”

My dad answered, “well…sure…but…”

And that’s when my mother’s gaze turned to me, even though she was still speaking to my dad, and she said . . . “Women always have a motive.  Every woman…no matter their age…knows exactly what she’s doing and why.  If she says she “didn’t know” or had “no idea what she was doing”…she’s lying.”

At that moment, even though my mom was actually talking to my dad, a life lesson was passed on to her son that has protected me from a lot of bad situations and relationships with worldly women who sought to manipulate or lure me into precarious situations.

In my pathetically humble opinion women might be manipulators.  They might be more frustrating than an icy sidewalk in June.  They might even be more of a royal pain the ass than an actual pain in the ass, but one thing’s for sure…women are not stupid, nor are they dumb, nor are they confused.  With that said my mother’s words of wisdom ring true to this day.

Therefore… Men.  Take note…

When a woman wears a certain perfume or a low-cut blouse…she knows why.

When a woman wears a shorter, tighter skirt or dress…she knows why. 

When a woman styles her hair a certain way…she knows why.

When a woman looks in a certain direction more than once…she knows why.

When a woman flips her hair, giggles at a bad joke and gently touches a man’s arm…she knows why.

When a woman makes an effort to draw attention to herself…she knows why.

When a woman wears certain makeup or jewelry…she knows why.

When a woman does anything, wears anything, says anything . . . SHE . . . KNOWS . . . WHY. 

 

I don’t know which is more pathetic . . . that men still believe women aren’t that smart or that women are still able to pull the wool over the eyes of men by pretending to be not that smart.     

 

 

 

He Said, She Said…

Men and women do not communicate the same.  For example here’s a conversation between a long-time married couple that I overheard this past weekend…

Husband:  “Would you like a cookie?”

Wife: “I had a bowl of fruit earlier.”

Husband:  “Does that mean you want a cookie?”

Wife:  “I had a bowl of fruit earlier.”

Husband:  “When did you have a bowl of fruit?”

Wife:  “It was after I had the cereal.”

Husband:  “That was eight hours ago!”

Wife:  “What kind of cookies are they?”

Husband:  “Oatmeal chocolate chip.”

Wife:  “I guess a bowl of fruit would be nice.”  

Husband:  “So you don’t want a cookie, you want a bowl of fruit?”

Wife:  “I didn’t say that.  You don’t listen.  I SAID a bowl of fruit would be nice.”

Husband:  “I am listening…you said a bowl of fruit would be nice…that tells me you don’t want a cookie because that’s what I’m hearing.”

Wife (clearly frustrated):  “I didn’t say that.  I said a bowl of fruit would be nice.”  

Husband:  “Okay.  A bowl of fruit and I’ll include an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie in case you decide you want one.”

Wife:  “Thank you.  Was that so difficult?”

_

Okay…now that same conversation between two men…

First guy: “do you want a cookie?”

Second guy: “Sure, thanks!” 

End of conversation! 

_

 

It’s pathetic how men and women are so different when it comes to communicating.

 

Humiliation

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Yet again a woman I liked uttered those humiliating words. . .

“I don’t want to date you.  Please don’t pursue me.”  

And after replying with,  “okay.  I won’t.  we’re just friends.  I get it…”  I then heard in a rather pathetic, albeit panicked and stressed, tone…

“No…I really mean it.  Please don’t pursue me!  I really don’t want to date you.”

The Office_Jim

 

I gotta tell ya, to hear those words for the umpteenth time in my life is not any easier than the first time I heard them.  I take it personally.

It’s very much like having a dagger slowly but firmly pressed deep into my chest until it penetrates my heart and once the perpetrator knows they have shoved the dagger deep enough into my chest . . . they proceed to give it a few twists.

Painfully speaking, I’ve also found that once is not enough for a woman to tell me her desire that I not pursue her.

no!  

For some reason. . . maybe it’s because they think I’m a pathetically dense idiot like all the other hapless Joe’s on the block. . . they feel the need to repeat their command a second time…however, the second time is when they feel the necessity to drive the point home with added emphasis on specific words such as, really don’t and you.

After all, it’s obviously not enough pathetic humiliation for me to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell someone who doesn’t feel the same way that I like them.  

too-late

 

 

 

 

For the Women

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A study conducted at UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle or past menopause.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to me more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

The Pathetic Question

 

Soooo, here’s a random question my mother asked me this past weekend: 

“What if you meet a really nice woman who looks at you and says, ‘You can communicate really well, you’re attractive, you look me in the eye when we talk, you don’t do drugs or drink or sleep around, you have a relationship with God and know Him intimately, and I find you to be a very attractive man and would very much like to date you and spend more time with you.’  Would you be open to dating her?”  then she added:  “Before you answer, let me add this: What if she tells you that she’s never been naked in front of another man?”

Here was my pathetic reaction: 

The Office_Jim

I love my mom, but wow…she can ask some really pathetic questions to which I have no answers.

 

Dating Sites: The Pathetic Approach

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Some jackwangle decided to inform me that a dating website is a “great” way to meet women, and that I should give one _or two!_ a try if I haven’t already.  

ummm….

No….No they are not.

and

No….No I shouldn’t. 

Quite honestly, I’ve tried dating sites in the past… Match.com, eHarmony and “Christian(and I use that term very loosely) Mingle.com just to name a few, and after using them I’ve discovered a few things about the people who are on them…

  • Dating sites are a window shoppers dream come true.  – The sites are great for people to peruse the “goods” without having to actually buy anything. 
  • Dating sites are filled with a lot of fake profiles.  – Dishonest people use those sites for taking advantage of the unsuspecting…more on this in a moment.
  • Dating sites are filled with a lot of people who use it as a substitute for bars and porn sites.  – Tell me, when was the last time you met someone in a bar or on a porn site who wanted a stable, long-term relationship?
  • Dating sites typically focus their marketing towards the cowardly, lonely and desperate. –  Dating sites are for the cowardly men in this world who don’t have the courage to approach a woman in person and start a conversation.  Dating sites are also set up for those people in the world who are lonely and desperate…(yes, ladies…no matter how much you lie to your friends and family…that includes you.)
  • Most importantly, dating sites (including the so-called “christian” sites) are filled with liars.  – lots … and lots … and lots of liars.

You see…cattle are not typically honest.  They lie. . . a lot . . .and dating sites provide an ample resource where said lairs can make up crap about themselves to try and persuade others to see their good, fun-loving, silly side.  

I know this to be true because, remember, I tried a few dating sites in the past and what I found was liar after liar, after liar.  Sadly, I include myself in that list. ((hangs head in shame))  🙂  

Right now, you’re probably screaming at your technological device asking me to provide examples; so here’s a few that I’ve run across from people I’ve met using random dating sites…

1. The Social Drinker.

Typically, when a person says that they drink socially, I take that to mean they enjoy having a drink or two with close friends or family.  I also believe that alcohol isn’t their life and they don’t typically spend a lot of time swigging beers, wine or other hard liquor.  However, the label “social drinker” on a dating site doesn’t carry the same meaning.  

When a dating-site liar labels themselves a “Social Drinker” it really means that they probably have a life-time membership to Alcoholics Anonymous, might have a few DUI’s under their belt and probably have a bottle of wine every hour before bedtime.  This is just to…“You know? … Take the edge off!”  

2. Faked, Photo-Shopped or Not a Recent Picture

I cannot tell you how many people have posted pictures that weren’t of themselves on a dating site, but it’s a lot.  

Porn site owners do this all the time because they want to lure the unsuspecting man who wants to be with a “hot girl”.  Also, criminals will do this to lure people into thinking that a man or woman’s profile is legit, but they post pictures they stole from random people who actually posted them on social networks so they can lure the unsuspecting into clicking on a link, giving up financial information or even sending money to someone they never met.

Those are some of the more dangerous uses of fake pictures, but the more subtle are of real bovine who actually created a legitimate profile but posted a ten year old picture of themselves because they were more attractive back then.  No matter how they try to justify it, it’s still a lie because…

3.  Wrong Age. Wrong weight. Wrong Appearance. Wrong Vocation.

Yes, people have posted on their dating profiles a vocation that sounded like a high-paying executive job, but the simple slap-in-the-face reality is that they are really a cashier at a local supermarket.  YET!  They have aspirations to move into management someday, so at least they have that going for them.  

Also, on the topic of posting a picture that isn’t recent, many contestants on the game of thrones dating sites will post the wrong age and typically describe their body as “Average” or “Need to lose a few pounds” when the reality is, they are old enough to be a member of AARP and ample enough to be a permanent contestant on the Biggest Loser.

Yeeeeaaahhh…before I offend everyone of ample body structure, let’s just move on…

4. Relationship Status…Single, Divorced, Separated, “Other?”  

The plethora of cattle who are on dating sites these days are typically divorced, but in my experience many of them don’t select that category.  They like to select “single” and I get it…they don’t like the label of being “divorced”.  I mean, how many of us really want to be judged on having a failed marriage especially when we’re trying to lure the other lonely, desperate people of the world into being attracted to us… but the one option I don’t understand is “Other”.

Seriously?!?!  What the hell does “other” even mean for a relationship status and why is this even an option?  And yes…there have been people who have selected this option and that is just pathetic.     

5.  Outdoorsy, Likes to Read, Netflix Binge Watcher

One of these things is not like the other.  

Outdoorsy means you enjoy being outdoors, camping…fishing…hiking…playing sports…You know?  Typical activities that are done… ohhh…I dunno…OUTDOORS!  So if/when a dating-bovine follows the adjective “outdoorsy” with “Netflix binge watching and reading,” I typically see a red flag waving.  

I know many of you aren’t going to interpret this in the same way, but when I think of someone who likes Netflix binge watching and Reading, I tend to think of them as INdoorsy people…not OUTdoorsy.  But hey!  That’s just me.  🙂   

6. Kids.

Yes, people lie about having or not having kids.  

In my many experiences spinning the failure-wheel-of-online-dating, I found that many of the divorcees who listed themselves as “single” were the main liars of this particular category.  But again, I can’t blame them.  I mean, they didn’t want to frighten off potential suitors who lacked the necessary motivation or desire for having an instant family, so keeping the whole “…do you have kids?” thing a secret until AFTER they were able to score a date makes sense.   . . . what am I saying?  

No it doesn’t!     

7. Religion: “Christian” or “Christian Other

In our pathetic world-o-stupidity cattle have a disoriented meaning of the term “Christian“.  Typically, the world will define a “christian” as meaning you’re a ‘good person‘…(which none of you are)...or the world defines it as meaning you’re “sort of” religious but aren’t assigned to a particular religious group…or the world will define it as meaning that you attend church on Easter, Christmas, Weddings and Funerals…or the world defines it to mean that a person is all of the aforementioned.  

Sadly, if you have adopted any or all of those definitions of “christian” you’re in the same boat with the rest of the world. . . very, very misled and pathetically wrong!

The term “Christian” actually means you’re a follower of Jesus Christ…hence the first part of the word: “C-h-r-i-s-t” . . . but in this day of social attention deficit disorder, fewer and fewer people understand or accept that meaning of the term Christian and will lie about their actual beliefs in Jesus just to have a relationship with someone they find attractive or appealing.  

Sadly, the world is filled with posers who want to be considered a “good and wholesome” cookie when the truth remains…they aren’t.  And yes…I include myself in that batch of rotten cookie dough.  

Furthermore, I do know how to test the spirit within those people who claim to be a Christian so I’ll know whether or not they are actually a follower of Jesus or just a self-proclaimed “good person”.

So there ya have it.  A few pathetic examples of the lies I’ve encountered of people who I’ve met using various dating sites and a few of the many reasons I refuse to use the sites to meet women.  

Personally, if I want to talk with a woman, I’ll approach her in person and start a face to face conversation with her.  It’s extremely less pathetic than hiding behind technology and it’s also a better way to show her that I have confidence and an actual interest in getting to know her.

I know and understand that a few of you cattle have been lucky enough to meet a spouse on dating sites, but how many frogs did you have to kiss and how many heart breaks did you have to suffer before you finally settled for the one your with?  Just sayin…

However, because I’ve used them in the past I’ve formed the opinion that using dating sites is a pathetic way to find your mate, but again… that’s just my opinion.

btw…I didn’t proofread this and posted it..as is.  Sorry if there are any punctuation, grammar or spelling mistakes.

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