Humiliation

jerk

Yet again a woman I liked uttered those humiliating words. . .

“I don’t want to date you.  Please don’t pursue me.”  

And after replying with,  “okay.  I won’t.  we’re just friends.  I get it…”  I then heard in a rather pathetic, albeit panicked and stressed, tone…

“No…I really mean it.  Please don’t pursue me!  I really don’t want to date you.”

The Office_Jim

 

I gotta tell ya, to hear those words for the umpteenth time in my life is not any easier than the first time I heard them.  I take it personally.

It’s very much like having a dagger slowly but firmly pressed deep into my chest until it penetrates my heart and once the perpetrator knows they have shoved the dagger deep enough into my chest . . . they proceed to give it a few twists.

Painfully speaking, I’ve also found that once is not enough for a woman to tell me her desire that I not pursue her.

no!  

For some reason. . . maybe it’s because they think I’m a pathetically dense idiot like all the other hapless Joe’s on the block. . . they feel the need to repeat their command a second time…however, the second time is when they feel the necessity to drive the point home with added emphasis on specific words such as, really don’t and you.

After all, it’s obviously not enough pathetic humiliation for me to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell someone who doesn’t feel the same way that I like them.  

too-late

 

 

 

 

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Things To Be Thankful For

thankful_1

Five years ago I was dating a woman who requested that we start a Thanksgiving tradition listing 100 things that we were thankful for and sharing our lists with one another on Thanksgiving day.  The list had to be 100 things and could contain anything we wanted but nothing could be repeated and some of the items on the list required a brief explanation for some reason or another.  

Quite honestly, for the life of me I cannot remember why we had to give an explanation for some of the items on our list, but as you’ll see from reading mine, I gave an explanation for a number of items so there was obviously a reason for it.   

Anyway, after rummaging through my hard drive cleaning up old files I happen to run across my list and thought I would share it with you.  Like I said, five years had passed and even though I have not forgotten spending that Thanksgiving with her in 2011, I had forgotten that I saved my list.

So, without further ado…

100 things I’m thankful for

1) God’s gift of salvation – because I no longer live in the bondage of sin and it shows God’s great love, grace and mercy to me for something I don’t deserve.  

2) Clean drinking water – it’s refreshing and there are places in this world that don’t have the benefit of a fresh, clean glass of water.

3) Toothpaste – because it provides fresh breath and keeps my teeth clean so I don’t lose my teeth.

4) My relationship with SJG – In just a few short weeks, with or without knowing it, she has shown me how to love another person unconditionally; without reservations and without fear.  She has brought a joy and happiness to my life that only God could have orchestrated.  I’m so thankful for her desire to pray and study God’s word with me and a desire to spend time with me and not be afraid to share her heart with me.  I’m so very thankful for how she challenges and encourages me.  I’m thankful for her heart and how she desires to see people change their lives and have a relationship with Jesus.  I’m thankful that she prays with me and for me.  I’m thankful that she desires to talk with me and spend time with me.  I’m thankful that she is honest, caring, loving, motivated, energetic, smart, funny and full of life.  I’m thankful for God leading S and I into each other’s lives at just the right moment.  It’s only because of Him that we have this opportunity to grow with one another, to love each other and to share our lives with one another in such a special way.  God really is a great and awesome God. 

5) For my new job and home in Another City!

6) My parents – their never ending prayers for their family and their love for us is so humbling. 

7) My nephews – each one has their own identity and I’ve learned a lot about patience and love through their relationships with me. 

8) Future Marriage to SJG

9) Hot Water Heaters

10) The Smell of Fresh-Cut Grass

11) Cherry scented Cigars

12) Rainbows – because it’s a reminder of the promise God made to Noah not to flood the whole Earth again. 

13) The Church – It’s wonderful to have a group of people to worship, pray and build relationships with in Christ.  To have a place where we can learn more about who God is and what He desires of us as followers of Him. 

14) Flushing Toilets

15) Every Holiday with my family.

16) My Car – it was an answer to prayer and little did I know that when I bought it, it would be my transport between Lincoln and Omaha to see a woman I am in love with.

17) Sunrises and Sunsets

18) Hair Dryers

19) My Old Barber – for 20+ years he was the best at his profession.  He had a great personality and was so willing to serve people. 

20) Facebook – it’s allowed me to connect with family and friends in other cities and who I haven’t seen in many years. 

21) Skype – I can use this online tool to talk with and see my family who live in another state.

22) Digital Video/Still Cameras

23) Fishing trips with my dad – It was “our” time, just me and my dad, and I cherished those moments with him.  He showed me how to bait a hook and take a fish off the line.  We had some good talks and even when we just sat on the bank in silence, I was aware that he was there with me and wanted to spend time with me.  Our time fishing together was important to me and I will always be thankful for those days/nights we had together.

24) My Grandmother’s jokes and laughter and her desire to have her family all gather in one place for the holidays.

25) The Ability to Walk/Run, taste and see and hear.

26) Freedoms to start a business, live where I want and speak freely in my country

27) Grocery stores

28) Washing Machines and clothes dryers along with Automatic Dishwashers

29) My many failures and successes that have led to my growth in life.  All the events have made me who I am today.

30) My childhood friends – We had a blast growing up!  They were such a big part of my life for so many years and we shared some really great experiences.  Riding bikes in the dirt trails, making forts, being my teammates in sports. Camping out in the backyard.  Staying up late and running around the neighborhood.  Having one another’s back in a pinch.  They were my BEST friends for so many years.  I learned a lot from our experiences. 

31) My grandfather taking me to get a fishing rod – My grandfather wasn’t the kind of man to call his grandkids and request time with them, so the day he called to ask me to go with him to get a new fishing rod meant the world to me.  We spent a couple hours together and he let me pick out anything I wanted.  I really cherish that time we spent together and I miss having him around.

32) My Sisters – We had fun growing up and knowing that they are just a phone call away to talk with brings a bit of comfort.

33) The Godly men who have taught me over the years of my life.

34) Warm blankets right out of the dryer.

35) MP3 players

36) Laughter

37) Naps – they refresh me for a few more hours.

38) Alarm Clocks

39) Treadmills

40) FM radio

41) Answered and Unanswered prayers – I’m thankful that God didn’t answer many of my prayers over the years for reasons only He knows. I know now that it was to either protect me or to help me to grow before I was ready for what I was asking for.  But I am thankful for the prayers He has answered. 

42) The safety that God provided moving my sister and her family to N.D. – The roads were icy and we were all running on very little sleep but God made a way for us. 

43) Food – I am thankful for food that nourishes and helps to provide strength and vitamins to our bodies.  I’m thankful that food is a way for people to gather and talk and get to know one another around a table. And I’m thankful because food can bring a smile to someone’s face.

44) Space Heaters

45) Scented candles

46) Toilet Paper – (for obvious reasons)

47) Paper Plates

48) Doctors and Nurses who are trained in their profession to help with healing wounds or performing operations, delivering children or caring for the sick.

49) Email

50) Fiber Tablets – Thankful for these because they are a great way to lose weight and keep it off naturally. 

51) My apartment – it has been a warm and safe place to live.

52) Comfortable shoes

53) The many friends that have encouraged me over the years to try new things like: country swing dancing, riding roller coasters, exotic foods, taking trips to new places.

54) Television Remotes

55) Airplanes

56) Soft pillows

57) Deodorant & Antiperspirant 

58) Park benches

59) Pumpkin Spice Smoothies from Scooters

60) My Bible – I’m thankful that the word of God to direct my steps, correct me when I’m wrong and helps me know how to live as Jesus instructed.  

61) Ice Cream – I’m thankful for comfort in a cup or cone!!

62) Holidays at my grandparents house as a kid.

63) Trips to the country or the lake anytime of year.

64) God’s provision in good and desperate times.

65) Hugs and Kisses while cuddling with S.

66) Wall Spackle

67) Online Shopping

68) Running on a hot summer afternoon

69) Really big Thunderstorms

70) Being able to pay for my college courses and books without having to take out loans.

71) Being able to get debt free

72) God’s protection from evil things

73) Learning to Snow Ski

74) Over coming my fear of heights to ride an extremely high roller coaster.

75) Taking a chance at playing the lead role in a church play

76) My high school music teacher who convinced me to try out for a jazz ensemble.

77) Hot Chocolate on a cold day.

78) Coaching a fourth-grade YMCA baseball team

79) People who are friendly and respect others.

80) Watching my nephew catch his first fish.

81) Being patriotic. 

82) Knowing my dad made it back safely from the Vietnam conflict.

83) Good Health.

84) The Seasons of Fall and Spring.

85) Canoeing down a long river with friends.

86) Mountains

87) Country Music

88) Maps and GPS

89) The kindness of strangers

90) Watching a funnel cloud form

91) Saturday morning Cartoons

92) Playing football in the park

93) Singing in a church choir

94) The peace and quiet that happens directly after a freshly fallen snow.

95) The summer family trips we would take to Mount Rushmore or Colorado in a car with no A/C.

96) A text from a close friend or family member.

97) The tiny hand of a new-born baby gripping my finger.

98) All the nights in the old neighborhood where all the kids would gather at the end of our driveway telling jokes and stories for hours.

99) Campfires

100)  Today.

You’re probably asking where her list might be?  

Unfortunately, her list is in a landfill somewhere because a week after we made these lists and shared them with one another, our relationship came to an abrupt end.  That’s when she requested I destroy hers because she . .  and I quote . . . “didn’t want that stuff floating around out there.”  

Pathetic.   

Disappointed4

For the Women

dating2

 

A study conducted at UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle or past menopause.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to me more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Frustrated

Horrible Choice

I’m not talking about the pathetic U.S. Presidential campaigns.  

No, I’m frustrated, because I met this woman who I REALLY like, but because of my pathetically numerous failed experiences in dating and my pathetic track record of disappointing relationships, I’m now a very insecure man who’s extremely afraid of asking a woman out on a date.  

Ever since I was a kid I’ve had no courage what so ever in asking a girl out on a date, mainly because I was always the outsider who never fit in…the ugly duckling…which you can read about Here and Here.

Of course, over the years I gained a little more courage each time I asked someone out on a date, but after my last failed relationship I’ve lost all courage and confidence in asking anyone out.  

I have ZERO confidence.  

None.  Nada.  Zilch.

I really don’t believe that women have any idea how much they affect the mental and emotional state of men when they repeatedly reject us.  It really is devastating to not only our egos, but also our confidence and morale.  I think that’s why so many men need the false sense of liquid courage (or the internet) to even muster a fraction of the energy and confidence needed to approach a woman.  

It’s pathetic, I tell ya.  

And now…after years and years of repeatedly being told I’m unwanted . . . here I am . . . once again . . . trying to muster the courage and figure out a way to look at this woman and ask her if she would like to meet me for dinner, coffee or another activity.  All the while telling myself that it’s not worth it because this will end just like every other relationship I’ve ever had . . .  six weeks and a cloud of dust.  

That’s right…every single dating relationship I ever had ended after six weeks, and they ran away into the arms of another man who they eventually married within three years of fleeing from me.  

For the women who have run away…a blessing. . . 

For me…it’s a pathetic curse.  One I’ve had to live with all my life. . .   

sooo…ya.  There’s that.  

pathetic…

pathetic…pathetic….pathetic…

pathetic…pathetic…pathetic…pathetic…pathetic…pathetic….pathetic…pathetic!!!!

It’s pathetic how a lack of confidence and fear of rejection will keep me from taking a chance.  

rejection hurts

 

 

Awkward Date

Not_really_friends

Okay…so, I once dated a woman who took me to a local bar/restaurant where she claimed she was “friends” with the owner.  

While we were sitting at our table, a waitress walked up to take our order but before that could happen, my date proceeded to ask if the owner would make an appearance at our table because she wanted to say hello.  

The waitress, ignoring all the tell-tale signs that I was about to die of starvation, gave a quick glance around the room and then excused herself to see if she could find the owner.

katherine hepburn

After what seemed like weeks because I was starving and in desperate need of sustenance, the waitress finally made a second appearance at our table; not to take our order mind you, but to gleefully produce the owner of the restaurant who didn’t look all that happy to be taken away from whatever it was she was taken away from.

She kind of reminded me of Katherine Hepburn in. . . well. . . everything that Katherine Hepburn was ever in.  

. . . and this is where the pathetic begins!     

My date, smiling like an adopted puppy, greeted the owner of the restaurant as if they had known each other for many years.  The owner, however, didn’t return the same expression or body language.  

Matter of fact, she actually asked my date how they knew one another because, and I quote, “she had no idea who my date was or when they met.” 

. . .begin . . raising . . . yellow . . . flag. . . now . . .

awkward-first-date-silence

My date, unsure how to respond and glancing at me with a look that said: “Crap, I hope he’s not smart enough to read into that!” (which I am) looked back at the owner and politely stated, “Oh, you don’t remember?  It was about a month ago…I was here one night watching a football game and that’s when we met.”  To which the owner of the restaurant returned a rather pathetic and bemused, “Ummm…Oooo-kaaaay?”   

…oops!  My mistake…wrong flag . . . Silly me . . . Yellow flag lowered…Red flag . . . Raised!! 

This is when the owner began looking around the room hoping she could find a way out of this very weird, very pathetic conversation.  

Of course, my date, still wanting to prove to me that she really did know this woman, tried to ease the awkwardness of the moment with some pathetic small talk, but this woman who was visibly uncomfortable and obviously NOT my date’s friend wouldn’t have any part of it.  

After what seemed like an eternity (probably because I was near death from starvation) of mumbles, glances and awkward smiles, the owner finally said some pleasantries then excused herself to assist one of her employees with a large order.  

Pinoccio_nose growing

At that moment my date looked at me with the look of being caught in a lie.  You know the look…pierced lips, wandering eyes, the quick look over each shoulder to plan your exit strategy because your nose is growing and your pants spontaneously caught on fire…  

Now I, being the sincere, empathetic (see what I did there?) man that I am, stared at my date with a look of expectant optimism hoping that she would confess the truth.

The truth that my date wasn’t actually ‘friends’ with this person.  That she only met her once and since that initial meeting has never had any interaction with her what-so-ever.

However, instead of telling me the truth my date looked at me with great conviction and confidence and pathetically stated,  

“She tends to forget things.  She’s funny that way.”

The Office_Jim

 

 

 

 

Honesty…integrity…and truthfulness go a long way in my book, but lying…fibs…and trying to cover your butt when you get caught in a lie are exceptionally pathetic.  

Oh…and if you’re curious, yes.  The waitress finally took my order and the food was delicious.

 

 

Dating Sites: The Pathetic Approach

dating1

Some jackwangle decided to inform me that a dating website is a “great” way to meet women, and that I should give one _or two!_ a try if I haven’t already.  

ummm….

No….No they are not.

and

No….No I shouldn’t. 

Quite honestly, I’ve tried dating sites in the past… Match.com, eHarmony and “Christian(and I use that term very loosely) Mingle.com just to name a few, and after using them I’ve discovered a few things about the people who are on them…

  • Dating sites are a window shoppers dream come true.  – The sites are great for people to peruse the “goods” without having to actually buy anything. 
  • Dating sites are filled with a lot of fake profiles.  – Dishonest people use those sites for taking advantage of the unsuspecting…more on this in a moment.
  • Dating sites are filled with a lot of people who use it as a substitute for bars and porn sites.  – Tell me, when was the last time you met someone in a bar or on a porn site who wanted a stable, long-term relationship?
  • Dating sites typically focus their marketing towards the cowardly, lonely and desperate. –  Dating sites are for the cowardly men in this world who don’t have the courage to approach a woman in person and start a conversation.  Dating sites are also set up for those people in the world who are lonely and desperate…(yes, ladies…no matter how much you lie to your friends and family…that includes you.)
  • Most importantly, dating sites (including the so-called “christian” sites) are filled with liars.  – lots … and lots … and lots of liars.

You see…cattle are not typically honest.  They lie. . . a lot . . .and dating sites provide an ample resource where said lairs can make up crap about themselves to try and persuade others to see their good, fun-loving, silly side.  

I know this to be true because, remember, I tried a few dating sites in the past and what I found was liar after liar, after liar.  Sadly, I include myself in that list. ((hangs head in shame))  🙂  

Right now, you’re probably screaming at your technological device asking me to provide examples; so here’s a few that I’ve run across from people I’ve met using random dating sites…

1. The Social Drinker.

Typically, when a person says that they drink socially, I take that to mean they enjoy having a drink or two with close friends or family.  I also believe that alcohol isn’t their life and they don’t typically spend a lot of time swigging beers, wine or other hard liquor.  However, the label “social drinker” on a dating site doesn’t carry the same meaning.  

When a dating-site liar labels themselves a “Social Drinker” it really means that they probably have a life-time membership to Alcoholics Anonymous, might have a few DUI’s under their belt and probably have a bottle of wine every hour before bedtime.  This is just to…“You know? … Take the edge off!”  

2. Faked, Photo-Shopped or Not a Recent Picture

I cannot tell you how many people have posted pictures that weren’t of themselves on a dating site, but it’s a lot.  

Porn site owners do this all the time because they want to lure the unsuspecting man who wants to be with a “hot girl”.  Also, criminals will do this to lure people into thinking that a man or woman’s profile is legit, but they post pictures they stole from random people who actually posted them on social networks so they can lure the unsuspecting into clicking on a link, giving up financial information or even sending money to someone they never met.

Those are some of the more dangerous uses of fake pictures, but the more subtle are of real bovine who actually created a legitimate profile but posted a ten year old picture of themselves because they were more attractive back then.  No matter how they try to justify it, it’s still a lie because…

3.  Wrong Age. Wrong weight. Wrong Appearance. Wrong Vocation.

Yes, people have posted on their dating profiles a vocation that sounded like a high-paying executive job, but the simple slap-in-the-face reality is that they are really a cashier at a local supermarket.  YET!  They have aspirations to move into management someday, so at least they have that going for them.  

Also, on the topic of posting a picture that isn’t recent, many contestants on the game of thrones dating sites will post the wrong age and typically describe their body as “Average” or “Need to lose a few pounds” when the reality is, they are old enough to be a member of AARP and ample enough to be a permanent contestant on the Biggest Loser.

Yeeeeaaahhh…before I offend everyone of ample body structure, let’s just move on…

4. Relationship Status…Single, Divorced, Separated, “Other?”  

The plethora of cattle who are on dating sites these days are typically divorced, but in my experience many of them don’t select that category.  They like to select “single” and I get it…they don’t like the label of being “divorced”.  I mean, how many of us really want to be judged on having a failed marriage especially when we’re trying to lure the other lonely, desperate people of the world into being attracted to us… but the one option I don’t understand is “Other”.

Seriously?!?!  What the hell does “other” even mean for a relationship status and why is this even an option?  And yes…there have been people who have selected this option and that is just pathetic.     

5.  Outdoorsy, Likes to Read, Netflix Binge Watcher

One of these things is not like the other.  

Outdoorsy means you enjoy being outdoors, camping…fishing…hiking…playing sports…You know?  Typical activities that are done… ohhh…I dunno…OUTDOORS!  So if/when a dating-bovine follows the adjective “outdoorsy” with “Netflix binge watching and reading,” I typically see a red flag waving.  

I know many of you aren’t going to interpret this in the same way, but when I think of someone who likes Netflix binge watching and Reading, I tend to think of them as INdoorsy people…not OUTdoorsy.  But hey!  That’s just me.  🙂   

6. Kids.

Yes, people lie about having or not having kids.  

In my many experiences spinning the failure-wheel-of-online-dating, I found that many of the divorcees who listed themselves as “single” were the main liars of this particular category.  But again, I can’t blame them.  I mean, they didn’t want to frighten off potential suitors who lacked the necessary motivation or desire for having an instant family, so keeping the whole “…do you have kids?” thing a secret until AFTER they were able to score a date makes sense.   . . . what am I saying?  

No it doesn’t!     

7. Religion: “Christian” or “Christian Other

In our pathetic world-o-stupidity cattle have a disoriented meaning of the term “Christian“.  Typically, the world will define a “christian” as meaning you’re a ‘good person‘…(which none of you are)...or the world defines it as meaning you’re “sort of” religious but aren’t assigned to a particular religious group…or the world will define it as meaning that you attend church on Easter, Christmas, Weddings and Funerals…or the world defines it to mean that a person is all of the aforementioned.  

Sadly, if you have adopted any or all of those definitions of “christian” you’re in the same boat with the rest of the world. . . very, very misled and pathetically wrong!

The term “Christian” actually means you’re a follower of Jesus Christ…hence the first part of the word: “C-h-r-i-s-t” . . . but in this day of social attention deficit disorder, fewer and fewer people understand or accept that meaning of the term Christian and will lie about their actual beliefs in Jesus just to have a relationship with someone they find attractive or appealing.  

Sadly, the world is filled with posers who want to be considered a “good and wholesome” cookie when the truth remains…they aren’t.  And yes…I include myself in that batch of rotten cookie dough.  

Furthermore, I do know how to test the spirit within those people who claim to be a Christian so I’ll know whether or not they are actually a follower of Jesus or just a self-proclaimed “good person”.

So there ya have it.  A few pathetic examples of the lies I’ve encountered of people who I’ve met using various dating sites and a few of the many reasons I refuse to use the sites to meet women.  

Personally, if I want to talk with a woman, I’ll approach her in person and start a face to face conversation with her.  It’s extremely less pathetic than hiding behind technology and it’s also a better way to show her that I have confidence and an actual interest in getting to know her.

I know and understand that a few of you cattle have been lucky enough to meet a spouse on dating sites, but how many frogs did you have to kiss and how many heart breaks did you have to suffer before you finally settled for the one your with?  Just sayin…

However, because I’ve used them in the past I’ve formed the opinion that using dating sites is a pathetic way to find your mate, but again… that’s just my opinion.

btw…I didn’t proofread this and posted it..as is.  Sorry if there are any punctuation, grammar or spelling mistakes.

dating2

 

 

Failure

sinking

Over twenty years ago I met a woman who took my breath away.  I still remember the day when I first saw her walking into a room filled with people.  It was as if all time stood still and no one else existed.  That image has been seared into my brain like a brand on a calf’s hind quarter, and sadly, so was every moment thereafter.    

For three years she dated other guys.  Guys who treated her like garbage, guys who argued with her, guys who acted like she was a piece of meat; and for the same three years I prayed specifically for her, and I waited.  

I waited for our relationship to be stronger . . . I waited for her to be finished with the other guys who treated her like crap . . . I waited for God to provide the perfect opportunity for both of us to be ready for the other.  It took all of those three years. 

After three years, She was no longer dating any of the other guys and we had built a pretty solid friendship that I thought was filled with trust and admiration for one another, so I took a chance and asked her out.  She said yes. 

Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time together.  It was a lot more than usual for two close friends.  We talked a lot.  Sharing our hopes and dreams, pains and sorrows, likes and loves.  For all the time we spent together our friends could see there was something wonderful brewing between us, but what none of us could ever guess was that behind the scenes God was working on a different plan.  

A number of weeks into the relationship she dropped a bombshell on me…there was another guy that she had been talking with and she had made the decision that he was the one she wanted to spend her life with.  

I was devastated. 

She married him a year later.

I’ve tried to fill the void…tried to move on…tried dating other women…tried praying over it…tried “giving it up to God”…tried making excuses…tried rationalizing it, but what I didn’t know then or want to realize at the time was that very event was orchestrated to be the beginning of the end of my relationships with everyone…including God.  

Jump ahead twenty four years…

Woman after woman has lied to me about “loving me”.  They typically run away from me and into the arms of another man who has more to offer, leaving me with the grandest of all lies: “God has something great in store for you.”  

And over the years with every blow of every failed relationship my mind, soul and spirit has been beaten to the point of exhaustion.  I am, today, a very cynical, very bitter, very angry, very broken man.  

My heart is in pieces.  My soul is crushed.  My spirit is on life support.  I take every negative action personally, as if it’s an attack on my very soul.  I have no desire to be around people, no desire to achieve, no desire to move forward, no desire to care.  

I’ve become a robot who goes about their day waiting for their owner to shut them down.  It’s quite pathetic, but it’s the truth.  

I hate everyone and everything, including myself.  I blame God for everything and why shouldn’t I?  After all, isn’t he all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present?  Doesn’t he desire to bless his children?  Does he want our faith in him to grow and be strengthened?  After 40 years of waiting…40 years of service…40 years of letting go…40 years of hoping…40 years of prayer…40 years of (fill in the blank)…shouldn’t he answer me?   

I know what I’m saying sounds like a selfish child.  I understand that God decides which prayers he will answer and when…no one can ever force God’s hand…but having to deal with so many failed relationships, and having to wait for such a long time for mister slow-poke to answer just one pathetic prayer; I’ve grown a bit callous and my heart has become very hard.  I still believe that God exists, but I struggle to believe that he wants or desires to bless his children.  

I’m not sure the God I was raised to trust in and have faith in really desires to reward those who seek him.  maybe some day that will change, but the older I get, and the more I see failed answers to prayer, the more I’m prone to believe that God’s not capable.  

Truth is, it’s all pathetic and there’s nothing new under the sun.  We’re here to work.  To slave our lives away until we get so old that we can’t work anymore and then we die.  If a relationship comes where we can love and be loved too, that’s a blessing…if they don’t…I guess that’s a blessing too.  

…. . . . . . .  sigh . . . . . . . . ….

~ Pathetic.  

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