Failure

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Over twenty years ago I met a woman who took my breath away.  I still remember the day when I first saw her walking into a room filled with people.  It was as if all time stood still and no one else existed.  That image has been seared into my brain like a brand on a calf’s hind quarter, and sadly, so was every moment thereafter.    

For three years she dated other guys.  Guys who treated her like garbage, guys who argued with her, guys who acted like she was a piece of meat; and for the same three years I prayed specifically for her, and I waited.  

I waited for our relationship to be stronger . . . I waited for her to be finished with the other guys who treated her like crap . . . I waited for God to provide the perfect opportunity for both of us to be ready for the other.  It took all of those three years. 

After three years, She was no longer dating any of the other guys and we had built a pretty solid friendship that I thought was filled with trust and admiration for one another, so I took a chance and asked her out.  She said yes. 

Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time together.  It was a lot more than usual for two close friends.  We talked a lot.  Sharing our hopes and dreams, pains and sorrows, likes and loves.  For all the time we spent together our friends could see there was something wonderful brewing between us, but what none of us could ever guess was that behind the scenes God was working on a different plan.  

A number of weeks into the relationship she dropped a bombshell on me…there was another guy that she had been talking with and she had made the decision that he was the one she wanted to spend her life with.  

I was devastated. 

She married him a year later.

I’ve tried to fill the void…tried to move on…tried dating other women…tried praying over it…tried “giving it up to God”…tried making excuses…tried rationalizing it, but what I didn’t know then or want to realize at the time was that very event was orchestrated to be the beginning of the end of my relationships with everyone…including God.  

Jump ahead twenty four years…

Woman after woman has lied to me about “loving me”.  They typically run away from me and into the arms of another man who has more to offer, leaving me with the grandest of all lies: “God has something great in store for you.”  

And over the years with every blow of every failed relationship my mind, soul and spirit has been beaten to the point of exhaustion.  I am, today, a very cynical, very bitter, very angry, very broken man.  

My heart is in pieces.  My soul is crushed.  My spirit is on life support.  I take every negative action personally, as if it’s an attack on my very soul.  I have no desire to be around people, no desire to achieve, no desire to move forward, no desire to care.  

I’ve become a robot who goes about their day waiting for their owner to shut them down.  It’s quite pathetic, but it’s the truth.  

I hate everyone and everything, including myself.  I blame God for everything and why shouldn’t I?  After all, isn’t he all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present?  Doesn’t he desire to bless his children?  Does he want our faith in him to grow and be strengthened?  After 40 years of waiting…40 years of service…40 years of letting go…40 years of hoping…40 years of prayer…40 years of (fill in the blank)…shouldn’t he answer me?   

I know what I’m saying sounds like a selfish child.  I understand that God decides which prayers he will answer and when…no one can ever force God’s hand…but having to deal with so many failed relationships, and having to wait for such a long time for mister slow-poke to answer just one pathetic prayer; I’ve grown a bit callous and my heart has become very hard.  I still believe that God exists, but I struggle to believe that he wants or desires to bless his children.  

I’m not sure the God I was raised to trust in and have faith in really desires to reward those who seek him.  maybe some day that will change, but the older I get, and the more I see failed answers to prayer, the more I’m prone to believe that God’s not capable.  

Truth is, it’s all pathetic and there’s nothing new under the sun.  We’re here to work.  To slave our lives away until we get so old that we can’t work anymore and then we die.  If a relationship comes where we can love and be loved too, that’s a blessing…if they don’t…I guess that’s a blessing too.  

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…. . . . . . .  sigh . . . . . . . . ….

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~ Pathetic.  

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