Failure


sinking

Over twenty years ago I met a woman who took my breath away.  I still remember the day when I first saw her walking into a room filled with people.  It was as if all time stood still and no one else existed.  That image has been seared into my brain like a brand on a calf’s hind quarter, and sadly, so was every moment thereafter.    

For three years she dated other guys.  Guys who treated her like garbage, guys who argued with her, guys who acted like she was a piece of meat; and for the same three years I prayed specifically for her, and I waited.  

I waited for our relationship to be stronger . . . I waited for her to be finished with the other guys who treated her like crap . . . I waited for God to provide the perfect opportunity for both of us to be ready for the other.  It took all of those three years. 

After three years, She was no longer dating any of the other guys and we had built a pretty solid friendship that I thought was filled with trust and admiration for one another, so I took a chance and asked her out.  She said yes. 

Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time together.  It was a lot more than usual for two close friends.  We talked a lot.  Sharing our hopes and dreams, pains and sorrows, likes and loves.  For all the time we spent together our friends could see there was something wonderful brewing between us, but what none of us could ever guess was that behind the scenes God was working on a different plan.  

A number of weeks into the relationship she dropped a bombshell on me…there was another guy that she had been talking with and she had made the decision that he was the one she wanted to spend her life with.  

I was devastated. 

She married him a year later.

I’ve tried to fill the void…tried to move on…tried dating other women…tried praying over it…tried “giving it up to God”…tried making excuses…tried rationalizing it, but what I didn’t know then or want to realize at the time was that very event was orchestrated to be the beginning of the end of my relationships with everyone…including God.  

Jump ahead twenty four years…

Woman after woman has lied to me about “loving me”.  They typically run away from me and into the arms of another man who has more to offer, leaving me with the grandest of all lies: “God has something great in store for you.”  

And over the years with every blow of every failed relationship my mind, soul and spirit has been beaten to the point of exhaustion.  I am, today, a very cynical, very bitter, very angry, very broken man.  

My heart is in pieces.  My soul is crushed.  My spirit is on life support.  I take every negative action personally, as if it’s an attack on my very soul.  I have no desire to be around people, no desire to achieve, no desire to move forward, no desire to care.  

I’ve become a robot who goes about their day waiting for their owner to shut them down.  It’s quite pathetic, but it’s the truth.  

I hate everyone and everything, including myself.  I blame God for everything and why shouldn’t I?  After all, isn’t he all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present?  Doesn’t he desire to bless his children?  Does he want our faith in him to grow and be strengthened?  After 40 years of waiting…40 years of service…40 years of letting go…40 years of hoping…40 years of prayer…40 years of (fill in the blank)…shouldn’t he answer me?   

I know what I’m saying sounds like a selfish child.  I understand that God decides which prayers he will answer and when…no one can ever force God’s hand…but having to deal with so many failed relationships, and having to wait for such a long time for mister slow-poke to answer just one pathetic prayer; I’ve grown a bit callous and my heart has become very hard.  I still believe that God exists, but I struggle to believe that he wants or desires to bless his children.  

I’m not sure the God I was raised to trust in and have faith in really desires to reward those who seek him.  maybe some day that will change, but the older I get, and the more I see failed answers to prayer, the more I’m prone to believe that God’s not capable.  

Truth is, it’s all pathetic and there’s nothing new under the sun.  We’re here to work.  To slave our lives away until we get so old that we can’t work anymore and then we die.  If a relationship comes where we can love and be loved too, that’s a blessing…if they don’t…I guess that’s a blessing too.  

…. . . . . . .  sigh . . . . . . . . ….

~ Pathetic.  

– 

 

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25 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Two phrases that guided my search for love some 26 years ago may be helpful to you so I provide them here for your consideration.
    The Lord helps those who help themselves
    The One will come along when you least expect it.
    These two phrases may seem contradictory but…
    I joined a video dating service for a second time. I will probably post something about my love story which will provide more details but suffice to say that internet dating was not common back then and joining this service required an investment from all members. I had gained some self confidence and acquired the second phrase in the time between my two memberships. My personal bottom line at that time was that I would give it a go one more time and if I kept getting rejected by men I wanted to meet and/or did not get selected by anyone that I would not view it as a sign of my own failings or unworthiness. I also prayed to my dead grandpa to send me someone. Don’t ask me why! I met the man that I married when he selected me. At first glance, and even after reading his bio and description of the type of woman he was looking for, I guess I was intrigued because he was certainly not like anyone I had ever dated and I didn’t really see very much that I thought we’d have in common. Seems he knew me better than I knew myself back then, and he still does!

    Liked by 1 person

    • thank you so much for the post…however, the statement: “The Lord helps those who help themselves” – is not biblical. The Lord helps those who wait patiently for Him. <– that's biblical. 🙂 have a great day!

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      • IDK and IDC (don’t know/care) if phrase I used is biblical, not one of my areas of interest or expertise. It’s just what I believe and goes along with another belief that God gave us that damn free will thing. Source of this thought may also not be biblical but again, IDK/IDC. Hope this attitude doesn’t offend.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Well – your words are honest and heaps of respect for the authenticity. You wonder if He really answers prayers, but I wonder what you’re asking for. I can keep praying for God to change the situation, but sometimes it’s me that needs to change. Sometimes we want God to change everything, without changing anything. You’re funny – albeit bitter, sarcastic, and somewhat dark. And I like you. I really do. God can handle all your “stuff,” but are you going to Him with the same honesty in which you come to us? And are you listening to Him with the same openness you do your readers? You say you “know” but do you really believe – heart, not head?

    He’s still beautiful. He still hears you. He wants to be your friend, but He also wants to be your Father.

    You want the faith you used to have, but maybe that’s not the faith you need anymore. Maybe the relationship you need to have with God looks entirely different than “what you remember” – because clearly, that faith didn’t prove true. Maybe it’s time to stop focusing on what once was. Maybe want needs “refreshing” is you. Easter is all about the resurrection – maybe it’s time to begin again.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh my…how I wish I had time to answer all your questions…but the one that really made me laugh out loud was this: “but are you going to Him with the same honesty in which you come to us?”

      lol…if you knew the honesty to wish I have prayed and asked God for things. LOL….oh wow…I’m sure it would shock you what I have before the Almighty.

      Funny thing is, He typically gives me a day or two to settle down and then we have a lengthy conversation about what I’ve asked for … how He’s answered… and whether I really have a right to be angry, frustrated or pout like a four year old. lol…ahh…the relationship God and I have is so different from any human relationship I could ever have because He never leaves me alone or let’s me stew in my sorrows for very long before reminding me He’s got a bigger plan.

      🙂

      thanks for the post, Tiffany. I really appreciate your comments and any prayers you may have said on my behalf. 🙂

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  3. My brother sounded a lot like you. He had pretty much given up on women when, at the age of 50, he finally met the woman of his dreams, who shortly thereafter became his wife. They are still very happy together 15 years later. Sometimes it just takes time, maturity, and lots of intervening events, before two perfect people meet each other.

    PS: I always thought my big brother was a sarcastic jerk that no one would marry, but his wife saw a side of him I didn’t know existed. Apparently, underneath that thorny exterior, my brother is a teddy bear.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m not a believer in the God they preach in the scriptures, but do believe there is something more to this life on earth. Otherwise why is Life a learning curve and our time here so painful sometimes?
    They (whoever They are) say God is cruel and selfish, wanting the best for himself, and punishing the rest.
    Perhaps, and I don’t fall for that ‘all part of God’s Great Plan’ crock either.
    Don’t despair. There is something wonderful somewhere for all of us. It’s just a question of being in the right lifetime, and hope your soulmate doesn’t pass you by in the night.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I love your honesty. That’s not a robot speaking. It really is okay to not be okay. I’d fix it if I could, and help you to see. These dark nights of the soul are painful. When I get into that state and I do, I have to take it right back to the basics. I am entitled to nothing, everything is a gift, every heart beat, every breath. Gratitude for what I have even when I have nothing more than that. God doesn’t reward us for our desires, he rewards us for our faith. It is our faith that heals us, it is our faith that justifies us. Being broken is a good place to start, those cracks are where His love can come in.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I used to believe that, IB…I truly did. I’ve tried to accept that I’m unworthy of everything and that life itself is a precious gift, but something happened in the past few years to cause me to grow angry towards God and to grow indifferent towards him. Faith…the assurance of things hoped for…the conviction of things unseen. I guess i’m still convicted that God exists, but the assurance of things hoped for is gone. I know he’s there…but I just don’t think he cares anymore. it wasn’t until my last failed relationship, when I begged God to show up…begged him to repair it…begged him to make it right that I finally realized that he doesn’t care about me…and maybe never did.

      thank you for your empathy…I know I’m not alone…and I know you care…I just wish the One who I thought was my best friend cared as much as you.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I grew up believing that God hates me, that I’m not worthy to be a Christian, that I am going to hell when I die, that I am just crazy. In the midst of that darkness I had to surrender all and make a choice. I love the Lord with all my heart, and all my soul, and all my understanding, even if he hates me, even if I’m going to hell, even if I am insane. I had to completely break, but the moment I did there He was, so beautiful, so fragrant, so beyond anything we can even imagine.

        I often wish I could show people, to help them see what I see, but I cannot. Everyone has to find Him themselves. He is right there, on the other side of all that resistence and suffering and pride.

        Liked by 2 people

        • IB…I’ve known God since I was three years old. I even remember the day when I was sitting in that Sunday school class and prayed for Him to save me…every day since, I’ve believed in Him…trusted Him…even when everything looked so bleak, I’ve never stopped knowing Him…never stopped trusting…until recently, that is.

          He was always so beautiful to me…my best friend. But some twenty years ago things started to take a turn. I noticed that He wasn’t there as often. I prayed regularly…I studied the bible…but things began to change. I can’t tell you exactly when that was or what caused it, but I remember the day I called out for him and it was as if He were standing far off in the distance and every time I called out His name a flock of birds would fly away and carry off my voice so He couldn’t hear me. It was then that I started looking at my life and what God has been to me. I started to ask myself whether or not my faith was mine or was it someone else’s, and as time progressed, I started to see that my prayers were going unanswered and the messages from the bible became dull, that’s when my heart started to grow cold. It’s been a slow process and one that I have tried to fight for many years. I know God exists. I know Jesus exists. I know the Holy Spirit exists, but I just don’t have the faith in Him that I used to have. The flame that used to burn with great hope for His wonderful gift has died out. I really wish I could see Him again the way I did when I was a child…so full of life…so eager to have Him show me so much…I really wish He and I were as close as you are with Him. that would be really refreshing. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

Herd Mooings

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