I’m going to be a bit transparent and serious in my next two posts, so bare with me…and please hold your comments until part two has been posted.
– Part 1 –
When I was a child, I wasn’t the brightest or most athletic kid in school. I was shy, shorter than everyone else, not as fast or as strong and about as socially inept as a kid could be.
I always wanted to fit in with the “cool kids” but found that I wasn’t accepted by them the way I desired to be. In spite of my awkward shyness, I didn’t get teased very much, but I attribute that to the fact that my older sister was a cute, petite, blonde-haired, blue-eyed outgoing little girl that all the boys wanted to know. So a lot of the “cool” kids wanted to know me because they thought I was their “in” to the crowd my sister hung out with.
Turns out that wasn’t such a great plan on their part because my sister could barely stand my presence at home let alone in social circles, so all those kids who thought they would get next to my sister through me, found out pretty quickly that their plan was pretty pathetic.
As I grew older, I started to grow into my looks; and around the age of fourteen I began to grow up, too bad it was only physically. I still had a long way to go socially and mentally. Matter of fact, the childhood friends I grew up with formed other friendships in high school that they still have to this day, but I was never included in those groups because I wasn’t mature enough and ended up being left behind or out of many activities and social gatherings. So throughout high school I always felt like an outcast.
Sure, I had friends, but those friendships were while we were on school grounds. It was very seldom that anyone would ask if I wanted to hang out after school, and many times I went to athletic functions like football games or basketball games alone, where I would meet up with others I thought were my friends; however, as soon as the game was over, everyone would talk about where their group was heading next, and I would end up leaving the way that I arrived. Alone.
However, during that time of my life I did find a place I was welcome.
We didn’t have a large church when I was in high school, but we did have a number of college-aged guys and gals who were trying to work with high school aged kids and it was then that I felt like I was a part of something. It was then that I actually felt like I fit in. But that only lasted for two years because as they all graduated from college and started families, the social aspect of the church group died off. And soon thereafter I found myself, once again, leaving the way I arrived. Alone.
As I grew older and started working, I made a few more friends, but mentally, I was still that socially awkward kid who always felt like he was standing on the outside looking in.
I never really developed any true friendships. What I mean is that I never really developed any friendships that survived the test of time.
I don’t stay in touch with anyone I ever worked with, and I attribute that to the fact that I’m socially inept and people just don’t enjoy spending time with me because…in a nutshell…even though people have told me that I’m physically attractive and fun to hang out with, I’m still that ugly duckling on the inside. And that was made very clear by my previous, and last, girlfriend who informed me that I was…
and I quote…
“The stupidest man on the face of the earth.” “A complete moron.” “A jerk.” “A man every woman should flee from.” and “A social retard.”
There was more, but I think you get the point.
And it was those words from a woman who told me she loved me and wanted to marry me, that were the proverbial straw that broke me.
We were in love…or so I thought. That was until the worst was thrown at us and neither of us could handle the pressure. We began to argue and our relationship, that we thought was built on a solid foundation, fell apart at the seams and ended in a heap of ruin; and when that relationship ended, I fell apart emotionally, mentally and most of all spiritually.
The reason I fell apart wasn’t because of her or because of our break up, it was because up to that point in my life I had not taken the time to deal with all the past hurts and feeling like a social outcast…like an ugly duckling.
Since that break up, I’ve doubted and struggled with believing the bible is truth and that God really loved me. I began to doubt that God wanted His best for me, and that He had a future and hope for me.
I’m not happy to admit this, but I called Him names. I screamed at Him. I begged and pleaded for Him to come down and meet me face to face so we could finish this. I was so angry with God, but not for any valid reason.
I took my frustrations out on Him because, after all, He’s sovereign. He’s in full control of our lives, so why didn’t He fix any of the problems to make them work out for MY good? He could have fixed the relationships. He could have made the paths straight, but He didn’t…so, instead of blaming myself for my actions and lack of relationships, I took my anger out on Him.
Three years went by and just when I thought I was coming out the other side of the tunnel, I find out that the ex-girlfriend, who I quoted above, recently got married.
From what I can tell she has a nice life. She looks happy.
But I haven’t been.
So jealousy rears it’s ugly head and instead of being happy for her, I lash out at God. I scream at Him again.
Throw punches in the air.
Ask Him why she gets to be happy, and I have to live like this? Alone.
I beg Him to answer me…but He doesn’t reply.
So I cast insults at Him. All the while I’m aware of my words, my actions and the pending consequences, but I don’t seem to care. My pride and arrogance has taken over. It’s about me…my wants…my desires…my will, not His.
All through the bouts with God I know deep down that He loves me…but all I seem to tell myself is that I’m unlovely, and I’m about as unlovable as anyone could conjure up in their minds.
Not too mention, I’m still socially inept. I’m still the ugly duckling.
Who could ever love someone like me?
The answer: No one. … That’s who.
No one can love someone like me.
After all, I’m pathetic.
~ Please Hold your comments until you read part two. I only ask this because with the “new and improved” (I use that phrase very loosely) posting experience on WordPress, I can’t disable comments on posts because their “improved posting experience” is a pathetic piece of crap! ~
If you choose to disregard my request about not commenting until part two is posted, your comment will be deleted. — You’ve been warned!