Lost Hope. No Faith.


 

this morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I’m not happy, but that’s nothing new…I haven’t been happy for years.

I am the most cynical, most condescending, most pathetic person you will ever meet.

I have claimed to be a Christian for the past 40 years, and up until three years ago, that was true.  Now…not so much.

I still believe in Jesus.  I know He exists.  I believe in God the Father, and I know that He raised Jesus from the dead, but what I have a difficult time believing is that God wants to bless me.

Here’s the story…

I was raised with the understanding that God answers prayers…however, as I’ve studied the subject, I’ve come to find that He only answers prayer as long as your prayers meet certain criteria.

1)  You have to pray in Jesus name. (there’s more to that but I don’t have time to write it all right now.  But just know that it’s more than just saying “Jesus” in your prayers.)

2)  You have to believe and not have ANY doubts that the thing you pray will be given to you.

3)  You have to ask with the right motives.

4)  You have to wait patiently.

Well…

none of my prayers get answered so I guess I’m missing something.

Either I don’t pray with the right motives or I don’t pray in the “name” of Jesus or I don’t wait long enough or I doubt that I’ll ever get an answer to my prayers.

Truth is, I don’t know the answer…but I’m sick and tired of asking for things and never getting an answer.

For the past 23 years I’ve asked for a number of things.  I’ve asked for material items, I’ve asked for hope, faith, trust, perseverance, friends, health and protection.  I’ve asked for guidance and wisdom, life and death, sickness and health.  I’ve asked for a family of my own, a loving wife, kids and for the healing of others.  I’ve asked for a new car, for friends to have prayers answered and for other people who I don’t know to be cared for and lifted up.   And through it all, I have no idea why my prayers go unanswered.

I have enjoyed praying for others.  I enjoy it, because I know that praying for others leads to their happiness and building up of faith, and through it all I’ve seen people be blessed by God, but truth be told…I don’t believe it was because of my prayers.  More so because of a collective of prayers offered by many who were praying for them.

But that was years ago.

Fast forward to today…

My prayers are ignored.

I didn’t want to be back in this crap hole of a business,  I didn’t want to be here at all.

I hate this place because the bureaucracy is pathetic, the paper trails are pathetic, the amount of people who have to sign off on something just to get started on something is pathetic.

I also hate this city I live in.

It’s what I call the vortex of hell.  I call it that because this city has a way of sucking you in and keeping you here FOREVER!   If you are one of the lucky few who happen to get out, it’s because this city threw you out, not because you chose to leave on your own.

Every morning for the past ten years I have awoke and uttered the same prayer…  “Lord, please let me die.  I hate this life. I hate my job and I hate this city.  I am NOT happy.  If you want me to be happy, lead me out of here, or answer my request.  Take me home.”  and for the past ten years that prayer has gone unanswered.

And here I am.

Tired.

Exhausted.

Worn out.

There is no hope because I lost it all.  I have no faith because every time I ask for help, it never comes.

I am alone.

I have no friends because no one understands my plight.  My family could care less and whenever I try to talk with them about it, I get the same pathetic reply…”just trust God.”   (btw…I said that in a condescending tone).

But I’m finding it difficult to do that…

I have no confidence to ask anyone for help.  I’m tired people!!!

TIRED!!!!!

 

 

 

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43 thoughts on “Lost Hope. No Faith.

  1. I know what the unanswered prayers feeling is like, I’m still in that on and off. I’m also in the “too wretched and can’t seem to fully realize that when Christ died it was for me too and not everyone BUT me” boat.
    But you’re not alone, at least in feeling all of that, though I’m sure there’s more to it than this post allows for others to see. I was led to write about my crappy issues and I still hate the post. I never really go back and read it or try not to at least. It’s here if you’re interested, even if just for proof that we’re all screwed up in our walk somehow: https://unicorncoat.wordpress.com/2015/03/27/more-about-me/
    [Insert life changing encouraging comments here and then share them with me when you find them]
    If it makes you feel any better I’ve been so congested with man-made doctrine that I finally realized (after growing up in church and being told all my life almost repetitively) that all you REALLY have to do to have eternal life is believe Christ died for you. It’s right there. (You can’t see it, but I’m pointing to a verse.) You don’t have to jump through hoops, you don’t have to pray a scripted prayer, you just have to believe that He is who it says He is and what He did because of the love of the Father. (The end. Now granted that doesn’t related to life’s other aspects on how we should live etc, but eternal life? That’s it.)
    You’ll figure it out and He’ll show you why. The real question should be, Is Christ worth it to you to have this kind of life for however many years it may have to be?
    That or maybe the issue is deeper than you realize or a cause that has shaken what your faith should be. I’m also in that boat (I’m in a lot of boats).

    Like

    • Last night I was hoping for some sort of encouraging words for you and I prayed for you. Today I found a bookmark in our garage. This is what it says:

      I Asked God

      I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
      I was made weak to humbly obey.
      I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
      I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
      I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
      I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
      I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
      I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
      I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
      I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
      I got nothing that I asked for-
      but everthing I had hoped for.
      Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
      I am among all men most richly blessed.

      Author Unknown

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I hate that stuck lonely feeling. When you want to get away, start over but don’t know realistically how. I am a firm believer that it is “mind over matter” because that is all we can control. But don’t ask me how to make that magical thinking work every time. It’s been a hit or miss for me. And for the real desires of my heart it has been a miss and I do believe its because I have the most doubts about those things that are really creeping into realizing them. That’s where the work has to be. To believe in the face of doubts and obstacles and time…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. 🙂

      “magical thinking” and “mind over matter”…You are absolutely correct. it’s the only thing we have the power to control…but even still, there were times over the past few years that I felt like I didn’t have any control over my thoughts. It was so strange and many times I would just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling asking God to give me a glimpse of what it was like before all that happened.

      The believing wasn’t easy during that period of my life and even now, I still struggle from time to time wondering if God’s there or if He hears me at all when I pray. It’s truly very humbling and also very strange.

      Lastly, I’m working on a new post and your words couldn’t have come at a better time. I hope it’s okay, I’m probably going to quote you in my next post. 🙂

      Like

  3. I pray every day but I don’t get lots of the answers I need either. Some days I’m so unhappy I can’t imagine happiness and certainly can’t imagine it going on for an extended period.
    But I have faith that someday things will improve. Someday, the answers to my prayers will be revealed. I have seen God do so much in my life that even when He says no or I can’t hear His answer, I know it’s coming.
    That’s my faith.
    Keep looking forward. Someday, it will all be revealed. I believe that and hope you find reason to keep believing it too.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have lots of things I’d like to say. I wish I didn’t have to type them because I feel lazy. I’d like to transmute my thoughts right over to you — not to help you per se, but rather for ease of conversation for me. Yes, selfish, I know.

    So, here goes … me and my lazy fingers.

    First and foremost, I feel prayers are like spamming god. Doesn’t god (and everyone else) get enough spam? I know I do. “Oh, god, please do this for me.” “Oh, god please do that for me.” Then there’s bargaining, “God, if you do XYZ then I’ll be sure to be a better person. I will.” Uh huh, surrrre you will. CAN YOU READ THE CYNICISM?

    The only prayer, IMO, you should be willing to pray is this one:

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    that I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    forever in the next.
    Amen.

    I like the FIRST part of this prayer, for the rest, well, that’s up to you. I don’t believe in a sky fairy, but it doesn’t mean when I’ve come onto hardship I don’t pray. There’s that saying there are no atheists in foxholes … kind of true.

    You’ve got me so curious as to where you live! So curious really. Can you share that and if not I completely understand. I just wanted to know where your hellhole was.

    Now, a few things … what’s your vitamin D level? Do you know? Could it be low? There is currently no causal link that low vitamin D levels cause depression, but that low vitamin D levels can indicate one is in a depressed state. How much sun do you get?

    Have you had your thyroid tested? Hypothyroidism (low thyroid function) can mimic depression. More women than men have hypothyroidism, so it’s not likely this is your problem.

    Fish oils — the Omega 3s, specifically DHA and EPA … do you eat salmon or tuna? Do you get enough Omega 3s through your diet? A diet deficient in Omega 3s can result in brain deficiencies and depression.

    Here’s a pretty good article on Omega 3: http://www.mumbaimirror.com/columns/columnists/dr-altaf-patel/A-very-fishy-business/articleshow/47505016.cms

    More about Omega 3s and mood: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-38912/Why-fish-answer-depression.html

    HOW is your overall diet? Do you eat healthily consistently? I really don’t care about your answer because this is something for YOU to ask yourself.

    SIX CONDITIONS THAT CAN FEEL LIKE DEPRESSION: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/06/6-conditions-that-feel-like-clinical-depression-but-arent/

    Do you exercise? Do you exercise ENOUGH? Here’s an article on depression and exercise by Dr. John Ratey: http://sparkinglife.org/page/depression

    I agree with Wanda above that depression is a liar and an asshole. I also agree with another poster above that says instead of expecting or hoping god of Jesus to answer your prayers, get out there and make your life happen regardless of unanswered prayers.

    You got a job, although it may be within the same company, VERY fast. You hardly had to sweat it out with Pinata’s fat ass AFTER you made up your mind to look for something else.

    Sometimes family members aren’t the best people to understand you, support you or even relate to what you’re going through. Have you isolated yourself by withdrawing from social situations? Depressed people tend to do that.

    I am not saying you have depression, but from what you wrote above, you do have signs of depression.

    Do you have interests outside of work, blogging and the computer that you actively pursue? WHAT are your interests? Again, I don’t care … I’m not looking for an answer from you. This is another question for YOU to ask yourself. If you get involved in interests that involve BOTH sexes you are more likely to meet someone who shares the same interests (at least one for sure) as you AND the activity has to be outside one’s home, not in virtual computer world.

    Have you ever thought of stepping it up and attending some blog convention? Again, if you do pursue activities outside of work you can’t expect to meet someone signifiant … you have to do the activity for the activities sake. If you meet someone great, that’s just icing on the cake!

    Go to social events that you get invited to. Get yourself out there EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T feel like it. You never know who you may meet. You may meet someone who is a connection to a better job. You might meet a cool new friend. You might meet a new love interest … but if you stay inside blogging all day, you’re only going to make invisible friends like me and sky daddy on the internet. (Although I can say I’m real, I can’t vouch for sky daddy — never seen him or her!)

    Anyway, you’ve got a job m*therf*cker! SERIOUSLY! Some people would kill for what you got (in fact, some people are even praying for what you’ve got!) You are no where near Job (of the Bible, who else?), and you got white people problems … see: http://whitepeopleproblems.us

    More about WHITE PEOPLE PROBLEMS: http://takimag.com/article/10_white_people_problems_gavin_mcinnes/print#axzz3bxX8zK4g

    So, anyway, brother, I wouldn’t let you sink with or without Jesus! If I was superreligiousexpialidocious, I’d tell you that I’d pray for you (which doesn’t mean shit — action speaks louder than words), and I’d tell you that Satan (not satin, that lovely silky fabric) was in your brain invading your thoughts. I’m more likely to tell you that your neurochemicals might be off and your gratitude and pessimism meter has sunk to an all-time low.

    Anyway, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE DUDE! Go for a run, a swim or a bike ride … heck, go for a vigorous stroll around the block to get your mind off negative crap … a little healthy distraction, is well … healthy!

    Keep us posted because even though we’re strangers, strangely enough we do care. Now THAT’S PATHETIC … me caring about some random dude I never met on a blog site! 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Hmmmm, it seems that I’ve missed quite a bit happening with you in the two weeks I’ve neglected my blog reading. You sound depressed, and that is something I know a thing, or two, about. Remember, depression is a liar and an asshole, and we don’t choose to be friends with assholes. Right? Hang in there. I’m rooting for you to kick the shit out of this negative mindset and get back on track to figuring out how to get what you want and need out of life. Keep moving forward. Make the best choices that you can with the information that you have. Keep breathing. Try and find something that makes you happy and focus on that for a little while to take this pressure off yourself. 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Well, I just wanted to write a few thoughts, disjointed though they may be, because I hear you. I don’t have a straight response just some little lights going off and I’ll share…and you can just stop reading if and when you want to.

    “Your arms too short to box with God.” That was my first thought. It was a reference to me, however, a reflection of myself and a reverberation from the many years I used to fuss at God in my thoughts. I was pissed. I kept kept saying, “If you want me to do something, if you want me to know what direction to go and how to proceed, then TELL me. Knock off all the figure it out, glean it from the sky, from the air stuff. Just tell me, with CLARITY. I’m asking, and if you refuse then I won’t talk to you any more.” And of course I did talk more and more. We used to have some rip roaring arguments, mostly when I was walking home from school. Ha.

    *Your Arms Too Short To Box With God was a play, or a book, I think. I heard the title once when I was a kid and it stayed with me but I never saw or read it.

    “Dying is easy. Any fool can do it. It’s the living that’s hard.” That’s something I picked up that rattles around in my mind at times. I’ve heard it many places but one that currently sticks out is from a Vietnam veteran who was a prisoner of war and wrote a song echoing that sentiment during his years of captivity with some other American prisoners about perseverance in the face of terrible adversity. I like reading things like that because it pulls me out of myself and helps me focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. For them, even a hint of fresh air was precious. I take it for granted since I have it 24/7.

    Fill yourself up by reaching out…and you do that, by the way, here on your blog ,but perhaps more is in order. Giving when you don’t think you have anything to give helps you get filled. It’s counterintuitive, I understand, but it works. If you can only give a smile, do it. If you can spare an hour to tutor a little one, do it. If you can volunteer to serve food at a fundraiser, do it…whatever you can. The world is full of need and you can actually do something to bridge the gap for someone else. It’s shitty for you, it’s shitty for them too. While you’re still here, you might as well lend a hand to someone else. If you’re drowning in the river and you have a chance, might as well push someone else to the shore if you’re able. Why not?

    Think of yourself after you’re dead and this life is no more. How would you fill in the sentence….Given the circumstances I had, and considering that I wasn’t happy did I still conduct myself in the world so that I’m now satisfied and proud of myself? Do those things that will have you answering “yes” when your days here are over. As the old folks used to say…you have to make due with what you’ve got. This is something I do a lot. I’m a very, shy, socially reserved person. I have panic attacks which makes social interaction even worse. Just meeting someone new can be a sweaty, shaky, anxiety riddled event for me. I accept that that’s my nature but I push myself even when I’m horribly uncomfortable. I give myself points for being able to say my name and a bit about myself in a PTA meeting for instance. For anyone else, it’s not even a second thought. For me, it’s facing dread and getting through it. I give myself points for that since given my nature, I could just refuse to interact in the world. Tiny things can be big things. When I die I want to say I met some of those challenges and didn’t let fear completely consume me. Maybe you get points for helping others or being encouraging or fill in the blank, even though you’re not happy inside.

    I suppose all these words are just to say that this place is a struggle, our relationship with God may ebb and flow in strength. We may not be happy or satisfied but we have to do our best in spite of our challenges. Why? Because you know perfectly well you’d be incredibly disappointed in yourself, at the end of your days, if you didn’t. Right now, each day is a new chance to take up your sword and do battle with your weaknesses, to help someone else, to defy forces that want our defeat.

    You are beautiful. God made you and he did it right. Eventually we get to leave but not yet…because our job isn’t done. Perhaps being happy (or for me, socially adept and comfortable) doesn’t have anything at all to do with our purpose here.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so sorry 😦 ((HUGS))! 23 years is a long time to pray without your prayers being answered. I admire your perseverance because I got worn out way before you did.

    It sounds like you need a serious change. By the way, where is this vortex of hell you keep talking about? (It’s ok if you can’t say due to anonymity)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You know I like you, so when I say this, it’s coming from a good place of caring for you…
    Sometimes we are our own worst enemies…and when things don’t go the way we had planned, we start being a victim. And victims don’t go anywhere. When I start acting like a victim, I know I need to shake it because no one will get me out of there except me. We need to stop waiting for someone else to cause a change and, most importantly, we need to let go of stuff that happened (or didn’t happen) in the past.

    I know, easier said than done, but it’s the truth.

    Orrrrr, maybe I just need to clone Abby for you. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Do you think the Christians beheaded by ISIS didn’t pray right? Or the kids who never see their first birthday? Or their parents? I’m not trying to talk you further from your belief system, I’m just saying that there bad things happen to people all of the time, and it just is. At the same time, good things happen to people all of the time and it just is too. I don’t pray, and sometimes I still get the things I need. When I survived the cancer, I had support, and yes, some of my religious family prayed for me…but only one or two people while the rest just tried to be supportive or physically care for me. The medicine, advances in treatment, my wife being an amazing caregiver, and doctors and nurses who were caring and excellent at their jobs got me through it. If you want to believe that is the result of people praying properly…that is up to you, but then you’d have t wonder about all the people I saw, who suffered even more, had plenty of people praying for them. and didn’t make them. And their families.
    If you want to reconnect to your faith, take your time and volunteer at the charitable arm of your religious institution. That feeling of helping other people, of watching them get what they need, will make you not getting everything you want seem almost insignificant.
    Of course you can get that feeling by helping anyone in any context, but I will say some churches have great charitable opportunities.
    Either way, I wish you peace and happiness, regardless of your beliefs or crisis of faith. Look to your strength within.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. I say screw it! Stop waiting for God to come down and magically fix your life. Go do it yourself!! Move. Quit your job.. or quit your job, then move. Either way, get out of that job and get out of that city. Get a job that you may like even a little better, and then keep trying until you find one you do like! God doesn’t just hand you the things you want. He’s sneaky. What he did was probably open a job for you somewhere 100 miles away and is just sitting back waiting for you to go look for it. He also has a sick sense of humor, so you gotta watch for it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • ha! If you only knew the half of it!!

      I DID quit my job and looked for something in about 20 different states. Sadly, the only one the only job that opened up was the one that I started three weeks ago at the same company I thought I left! so, yeah…God has a weird sense of humor and it appears the joke is on me right now. 😉 thanks for the encouragement. I do appreciate it…please accept my apology if it reads horribly wrong.

      Like

  11. I relate. I know where you’re at. I don’t know the way out, but I do know you’ve made it this far and that there is a season for everything..you need to hang in there. If the rest of us can do it, so can you. It’s hard. It is pathetic at times, I know. But there will be a window and when you see it you’ll know! I promise you that.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Sometimes God says no or not yet. Someone mentioned that it takes a certain amount of friction to perfect a diamond. Maybe you are still at the friction stage?
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

Herd Mooings

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