Oh Tiger! You famously grotesque golfing phenom.
How do you do it?
How do you calmly walk around with your inflated ego of deliberate narcissism emanating from that over-indulged popularity?
I see you there with all your followers.
Those under achieving wannabes who can’t help themselves but latch on to the nearest symbol of success and over-hyped influence. Those lackeys who eagerly wait for their sovereign club swinging contender to materialize from the ruinous heap of ill-fated infirmity.
Those followers seek for the Tiger of old. The one who drove little white balls into oblivion and presented the golf world with a new ideal. A far-stretched ambition that led to a netherworld of hopeful dreamers.
Enthusiastically the whole golf world hangs their hopes on your return.
Your return to the days when you were 25, limber, strong and able to perform sexual acts in the port-a-potty on the seventh hole with some stripper you met at “Smokin’ Joe’s House of Hooters” then step out and drive a golf ball some 375 yards on a 400 yard par 4. But let’s face it…those days are behind you.
You just can’t seem to do the old positions anymore. I’m sure Lindsey Vonn, being an athletic skier and all, is an agile young woman who can bend and contort in ways that only circus freaks and strings of licorice should be able to do… but you … you’re not young and limber anymore.
You’re 39, and your body knows it; but your mind wants you to believe you’re still 25.
I have news for you…Your mind is lying to you.
My good man, you’re on the backside of 35 and heading down an unreasonable slope of “previously was able to” narratives, and your body is reminding you of this by crippling you when you try to continue living the age your mind wants to live.
Sure, 39 is still young…but biology has proven that the older people get the more fragile the human body becomes. It happens to everyone…even the greatest of all time. Just look at Muhammad Ali. And no matter how many anti-aging gels, creams, vitamins and devices we humans make, no one can reverse the aging process.
Tiger…I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but … You’re growing old, and your body doesn’t heal like it did when you were in your twenties. I know this is harsh, but seriously…you’re no John Daly.
What I mean is that not everyone can drink 48 cans of bud light, smoke four packs of cigs and have sex with multiple sketchy women they just met on craigs list and do it all before an 11:00 AM tee time. It’s just not possible for the average human. That kind of lifestyle takes years of practice.
So, please take my advice. You need to pull it back a little. Don’t swing the clubs as hard. Don’t try to hit the ball into oblivion. Slow the momentum. Dial back some of the power. Do the one thing you’ve never done your entire career…
Don’t play for birdies.
Instead, play for par and enjoy being on the course playing a game you love because sooner or later the game will be taken away from you.
Also, learn to accept your declining youth and your increasing maturity and play for the love of the game instead of whatever reason you have been playing for.
Furthermore, if you’re looking for a glute program to strengthen your butt, I hear that Leandro Carvalho has a great routine for achieving a more rounded, firmer backside. I think it’s called, Brazil Butt Lift. You might want to check it out since you’re having problems with your glutes.
Otherwise, blaming your bad golf game on your glutes is just pathetic.