Baby Talk

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There’s a woman in my office who I refer to as “Piñata”.  

Now when you hear me use this nickname, some of you might jump to the conclusion or insinuate that she’s colorful, has a sweet disposition and that she’s made of a delicate, thin outer shell that breaks easily when hit with harsh words…

If you think that, it’s admirable…but sadly…you’d be wrong.

No…this woman is quite the opposite of sweet and colorful, and her outer shell is as hard as stone. 

So why do I call her “Piñata”?  Well…For starters she’s Mexican.  yeah, yeah yeah…I’m not racist.  I couldn’t give a rats behind what her nationality is just as long as she does her job.  However, the fact that she’s Mexican just makes it that much easier for me to use the nickname: “Piñata”.  

But her being Mexican isn’t the only reason I have labeled her with this moniker.  Another reason is because she’s always hanging around and not working. 

This woman slacks off and pushes her work off on more people than anyone I have ever known.  Plain and simple…she’s lazy.  And this ties into the third reason I call her Piñata…

Every time I see her I get the sudden urge to beat her with a stick. 

It’s true.  I can’t help it, and neither would you if you had to tolerate this woman’s wacky idea of acceptable social behavior every day of the week.  

For instance, yesterday afternoon she received a phone call from her 26 year old niece regarding some “wonderful” milestone that her niece’s three year old child had done that day. 

At first, the conversation wasn’t so bad…some lighthearted laughter, a few choice “hurrah’s” and then a gentle word of affirmation to let the niece know Piñata endorsed the action with a hearty two-thumbs up!  And since I couldn’t hear what her niece was saying, I assumed it was nothing important.  Just random family information that needed to be shared at that moment instead of waiting for a proper time…like say…when Piñata got off work!  

Anyway…I thought it was random family crap up until Piñata asked to talk with the child of the niece, and this is when the conversation took a turn that I can honestly say would have gone viral if I had recorded it and put it online.  Sadly, I did not have my voice recorder so none of you will get to hear the audio version.

I really wish you could have heard it though because when Piñata asked to speak with this three year old who can barely put two coherent words together, she proceeded to have the weirdest most pathetic dialogue I have ever witnessed in my entire adult life.

I will do my best to write out the dialogue for your enjoyment, but please understand that I was only able to get Piñata’s side of the conversation … AND … since there is no audio, the text will lose a lot of depth and meaning without the vocal fluctuations and high-pitched baby talk that Piñata conveyed to not only the three year old child, but our entire office as well.

Without further ado… Piñata’s conversation:

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Piñata:  Hi, LeLe!!  (that’s her nickname for the three year old)

This is auntie, Piñata!   I hear you did something special today!  …  (insert creepy laugh that sounds like a witch’s cackle)

Yesssss —  iiiiiiii  — diiiiiid!!  …    LeLe?    …   Are you there?   …   LeLe?   …  (insert the creepy laugh again)

LeeeeLeeeee?!?     … 

Where’s my big girl?  … 

LeeeeLeeeee?!?    …   Did you go poopy today?    …   Did you go poopy?   …  LeLe?  …    Are you there?    …    Did you?     …     Did you go poopy today?      …     Are you a big girl?    …   (insert creepy laugh again)     …      Diiiid   –  youuuu   –  goooo   –   POOOOOPY?!?!     …    Diiiid youuuuu?   …   You are such a big girl!    …    Yes you arrrreeee!     …    You went pooooopyyyy!!     …

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That dialogue went on for about 10 minutes as Piñata did her best to elicit a response from the three year old on the other end of the line.  The call ended when Piñata’s niece got back on the line, and I’m pretty sure that if her niece hadn’t stepped in, that conversation would have gone on for an hour because Piñata is too stupid to realize that she was having a pathetic, one-sided conversation. 

In retrospect it wasn’t as bad as it could have been…I mean, compared to the conversation my other coworker, “Pippy Long Stocking”, had with one of her daughters about a gynecology exam, this one was pretty tame.  (yeah…now you’re intrigued…I’ll tell you about Pippy some other time.) 

It’s days like this that make me wonder if I work in an office or if it’s a secret government facility that was created to test normal subjects under very weird, very stressful situations.  Just know that the below picture is a constant pose of mine for roughly 85 – 90% of my day…

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Having to listen to my pathetic coworkers personal phone calls is extremely pathetic!  

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